'History Repeating' - The Vampire Diaries, Season One

The Vampire Diaries

Season One

Episode Nine

'History Repeating' - 7.0

'We are never telling Elena we did THAT'

Something I notice about most ‘The Vampire Diaries’ fans is that they refuse to admit that the show has some dodgy episodes. Hell, they'll refuse to admit it has dodgy scenes. It's a generalisation, so it is not entirely fair, but have a glance at the forums or the wikis and you’ll see they can be pretty ravenous. I wonder if this is the Justin Beiber demographic?

Anyway, that is beside the point, because 'History Repeating' isn't too bad, in fact I did kind of enjoy it. It was Bonnie-centric, which would normally spell doom since Katerina Graham really needs to do a few more acting lessons, but some of the set pieces and revelations are actually fairly momentous. Of course the most notable would be that Katherine is in fact alive, and is simply locked in a tomb beneath Fell's church. On a related note, does Fell's Church mean Logan Fell's ancestors were like pastors and priests? So that means that those religious occupations translated to journalism? Is that a bit of religious commentary there, Vampire Diaries, are you trying to be clever?

We see a lot more of Bonnie's amber necklace tonight which has been a major plot device since 'Family Ties', although this was kind of built up as its final appearance. In just the one episode, the poor thing is squabbled over by Caroline and Bonne, thrown into a paddock, involved in a possession then blown to smithereens. Big night for it.

Since Bonnie is Bonnie, she's beginning to freak out more and more because of her fledging-witch abilities, as well as the visions of her great-great-something-or-other Emily brought on by the necklace. Emily has been trying to direct her to Fell's Church in all kinds of 'creepy' ways, well... Vampire Diaries creepy, which isn't really very tense or scary just... I don't know. Not good. So Bonnie, fed up with the constant magical antics, hocks her family's antique necklace as far as she can into some random paddock in what seems to have been supposed to be an emotionally heavy scene, but in the end it was boring and kinda pointless. That very night the necklace is back in her bag for Caroline to find and be a bitch about.

There was a séance. How they got there, I'm not sure. It was Caroline's idea, but it was one of the most idiotic decisions anyone has ever made ever. We have a ghost? Awesome, a séance always seems to fix these problems in the films! I think at this point in the show, Caroline is actually mentally handicapped. As you'd expect, the séance makes everything awful - candles flair up, windows bash open, the necklace disappears then baits Bonnie into getting locked in a bathroom and inhabited by the ghost of her ancestor. Wow  I wish that my manicure parties with the girlfriends ended with demonic possession. Come on, TVD, you had a terrific (if kinda contrite) opportunity to pull some actually frightening scenes on us, but you chose to do some lightweight jump moments while that freaking foul score played over the top. Put some more money in your orchestra, cause right now your music is either disappearing under the scenes or completely over shadowing it with buckets of horrid ear-murder.

You know what was impressive though? Bonnie, now possessed by Emily, heads over to Fell's Church, gives Damon a good supernatural shove then obliterates the crystal in a fiery and very dramatic crowning moment of awesome. There was even a flaming pentagram, though I don't know if many of this show's viewers would get the significance. In fact I don't know if the writers did either, since Bonnie spends the scene telling Damon she won't bring evil upon Mystic Falls, while standing in a giant devil's symbol that had appeared around her. Right, OK. The whole scene was pretty amazing, and we did learn one pretty epic secret - Katherine is alive, and locked in a tomb under the church! As well as twenty-six other vampires, but who cares because KATHERINE! Although I don't know if she'll ever escape now that the crystal is destroyed, but come on, this is Vampire Diaries, they aren't going to leave something like Katherine locked away for long.

Did anything else happen? Well Stefan and Damon spent the episode bonding of sorts, playing darts and football and being brothers, and I was just like... wow, look at all the fucks I give. I don't even care why Damon's in Mystic Falls, though now I know it's for Katherine I'm cool with it. Still I had a brief moment when I didn't despise Damon with every single aspect of my being, and that was at the very end of the episode where he's just sitting in the forest all alone and sulky cause Emily effectively just sealed the love of his life in a tomb for eternity. Ian Somerhalder didn't do too badly, and I really got the fallen-from-grace and hopeless vibe. Paul Wesley did a good job too, since almost all the characters end up crying at the end there, Stefan's much more emotional reaction to the events of the episode was a surprisingly adept acting job from someone who's really only acted as passively interested so far.

So this episode did bring us a hell of a lot of plot - Katherine is alive, but the necklace needed to free her has been destroyed, Logan's alive, and maybe a vampire? There's a new history teacher, Alaric Saltzman, who has like a vampire ring-thing, and didn't come into Jenna's house, maybe because he wasn't invited. Both Damon and Stefan said that they'd leave town, though I doubt either will for very long. Bonnie is informed of all the crazy in the world (that Elena's aware of). That's a lot of stuff for one episode of a show like this, so that can't be a bad thing.

'162 Candles' - The Vampire Diaries, Season One

The Vampire Diaries

Season One

Episode Eight

'162 Candles' - 7.0

Yes, I am Lexi. Yes, I am awesome. Yes, I am about to be defeated by a vampire a good three centuries younger than me.

This fucking show infuriates me. They finally introduce a compelling and nearly original character, and then they kill her. IN THE SAME FRIGGING EPISODE.

'162 Candles' is all about Stefan's birthday, because it is something you take seriously when you realise you could have like five hundred, if you wanted. For whatever reason, along comes Stefan's oldest friend Lexi, who is awesome. She's witty, cool as a cucumber and older and stronger than Damon. It didn't click, but that right there was probably why she never would've survived the episode. Damon really is the main character isn't he, even if he is also the antagonist? We can't have a good guy who can easily take the big bad in a fight, where's the drama in that? Dear gods, Damon isn't even interesting, people. I'm sick of hearing how clever it is that we are manipulated into liking the villain - screw off, he is barely a villain and television shows have been pulling that trick for decades! You've probably just come from kid's shows, so you most likely aren't quite use to the tropes and clichés of 'adult' TV.

Sorry, I don't mean to full on insult the viewers of this show. I mean I don't mind it later, but at this point none of the characters interest me, they are all boring, uninspired and cardboard cutouts of the standard mix of television stereotypes. And yes, I probably am going to complain about them in every review, because these plain-flavored treats and making this a very uninteresting meal. Personally I can't see what compels people to watch this garbage!

Hold on, let me breath... OK, the characters suck, but '162 Candles' wasn't actually that bad an episode. This is all because of Lexi of course, so no doubt the next episode will suck so much ass I'll probably throw up, but tonight I was more interested than normal. I'm gonna let you all in on a little secret; in about half of my 'viewings' I have this oldish dog sitting in the room - her names Daisy - and she snores like a freaking bear. My logic is that if I am able to ignore her bellowing snores then that means I am really enjoying watching whatever is on. It's like a rain gauge for fun. In this episode I had my moments where I wanted to go and smother her with a cushion, but for the largest part of the forty minutes I didn't hear her, which is definitely in the episode’s favour.

And despite the fact she actually died, I did think Lexi's final scene was pretty badass. She had a syringe full of vervain - which seems to act like potent valium or something - and still managed to throw two policemen metres away, as well as take a barrage of bullets from Sheriff Forbes. At the same time, Damon's plan made sense (although he really didn't have to explain it later), he was going to frame Lexi for the murders the town had experienced since he'd arrived. Duh, it's so obvious! I was annoyed when he jammed his stake into Lexi's chest, but it made perfect sense and (as you can see) got a pretty strong emotional response from me. That's always a good thing in television, there is nothing worse than boredom.

There was one more exceptional scene, and this one involved Bonnie interestingly. See, despite us not getting a good look at what she was doing with her grams, it turns out she'd learnt to harness a few of her witchy powers. Since Elena is her best friend (poor Caroline), she decided to come out the most elegant (and kinda bitchy) way possible - eviscerating Elena's pillow then making all the feathers float around the room. Yeah, that was pretty cool, and pretty well shot, and just pretty.

Now, Vampire Diaries, what I really need from you are some captivating and out-of-the-ordinary characters, some snappier and funnier dialogue, and you should stop treating me like an idiot. I get what you are doing most of the time, soon you're gonna start having the characters talk to themselves just so that we know how they're feeling. God help us if we should make an incorrect assumption. 

'Haunted' - The Vampire Diaries, Season One

The Vampire Diaries

Season One

Episode Seven

'Haunted' - 5.5

To accept this show you must accept that it works within a parallel universe in which Jeremy Gilbert is attractive.

It is nice to see the Vampire Diaries move along at a faster pace, and 'Haunted' seemed to accelerate and finish a major character arc of the show. Vicki, who became a vampire last episode, is killed, Stefan and Elena kind of got back together (after what, twenty four hours apart?) and Damon proves he has a little humanity left in him.

As you have probably deduced, I have issues with most of the characters of this show. Damon pisses me off royally, and this episode was no different. He pulled his whole I-have-no-remorse routine the entire time and I just wanted him to leave. He only gets in the way and stuffs things up, he's not an antagonist he's just an irritant. Useless. I'd be alright if Ian Somerhalder would start acting rather than making eye twitches!

Anyway, Damon actually wasn't in this episode as much as the other antagonist - Vicki. Vicki spends 'Haunted' hungry, consistently a step away from tearing any of the other character's heads off, though it was mostly all talk until the final few minutes where she accidentally tasted some of Jeremy's blood.

So something I notice about the Vampire Diaries is that they like to spring parties on us - Not long ago we had the Founder's Ball, there was the Bonfire in the first episode and they had the football thing in 'Friday Night Bites', and this episode we had some Halloween do. I don't know what it is really like in America, but I think these constant parties are just lazy. For some reason media believes that when bad stuff happens at parties it is more dramatic, and the number characters conjugating in one location means we think they're all in danger, and yeah it does, but only for so many times. I swear only about three or four weeks has passed in this universe, that school must be made of money.

As you'd have guessed, everything important occurs at this party, and all the main cast members are in attendance, even a hungry Vicki. Now, the Halloween party looked good, but there were points where someone would walk through the decked out sets under the blinking strobe lights and it would look awesome, but these moments were too brief. Man, it could have been like a horror noir, confusing flashes, artistic shadows, all that, but I think this show doesn't want to look intelligent. Maybe it doesn't want to scare off idiots?

Eventually Vicki finds Jeremy and takes him out to the School Bus sleepy place to make out, only to accidentally bite his lip and taste his blood. We've all been there right? Anyway, she goes pretty schizo, as you do when you are a new vampire it seems, and Elena and Stefan intervene.

Don't let the sarcastic tone fool you, the fight between the four of them was pretty fantastic. Elena gets thrown around, there is a brief period where we didn't know where Vicki was, Elena gets bitten. It was fun, and just what should have happened at the climax of the episode, yet I couldn't help wondering - why did they have to be at a Halloween party? Regardless, it all ends with Vicki attaching herself to Elena's neck and then Stefan sticking a broken plank right through her heart. Hooray! A meaningful death!

In fact, her death was commendably handled. It was slow, and the acting from Vicki and Jeremy was pretty heartbreaking, needless  to say I was surprised and impressed. What pissed me off was that the show effectively vetoes the death by Damon wiping Jeremy of his memories of vampires and the emotions he felt when his girlfriend died. Even Elena's anger at Damon was kind of cleaned away when she asked him to compel her little brother. UG! Make something matter!

The Vampire Diaries often looks good in a typical dark, teenager-orientated sort of show, but it seems frightened of breaking barriers or taking risks. What really lets the show and this episode down is this fear, and the bad decisions the crew makes in order to maintain the status quo that isn't particularly interesting to begin with. Still, Vicki's death is well played and action-packed, with the actress doing a great job in the character's final scenes, as well as Steve McQueen pulling more than his far share of the weight as Jeremy deals with his grief. It could have been great, TVD, but somewhere, somehow, something is wrong and needs to be addressed.

'Lost Girls' - The Vampire Diaries, Season One

The Vampire Diaries

Season One

Episode Six

'Lost Girls' - 3.0

Of the three faces here; one can't act, another's Paul Wesley and one's a statue. 

Apart from talking about what actually occurred in the episode, I'm really at a loss as to what to talk about here. It gets that way with nearly all the Vampire Diaries episodes so far. They are actually pretty bad, especially for the first part of the first season. While many would argue that a show is only just finding its feet, I argue it is just finding its audience. Of all times, the first few episodes are what should hook the viewers in and keep them captivated. Why did this show start so awful?

So, why is 'Lost Girls' just no good? I mean it is not the worst the show has given us - hello, Pilot episode - but it definitely a failed attempt to be dramatic and eventful. Yes, Elena definitively discovers the existence of vampires. Yes, Vicki Donovan is killed and turned by Damon. I'll admit, it is two big events for two characters, but what about the others? Tyler, Caroline and Bonnie don't even make an appearance, instead we get to see Nina Dobrev play two roles surprisingly badly while Stefan attempts to explain why vampires aren't all evil and Damon runs through the supporting cast. Not even likable supporting cast members either! He just kills the ones we don't like - now that's an emotional hit, seeing Logan Fell get sucked dry. You know, I'll weep into my pillow over this. Notice sarcasm?

Damon, who actually does some shit, doesn't get any better. He just whines about Stefan having his ring and then spends a good part of the episode dancing half-naked with Vicki - pre-vampirism. I'm sure that sequence was supposed to be funny, but it wasn't. I didn't want to see Ian Somerhalder's chest thrown at me for like five minutes,  I'm sure girls would, but not me. Screw you, Somerhalder. I don't like you.

The death of Vicki occurs at the end of the dance number, and I'll admit that it was... pleasurable? I don't know, I enjoyed that bit, even if the preceding dialogue cemented Vicki's 'death', entirely ridding her subsequent 'death' of any shock value. I mean, I don't like Vicki, she's a depressing, slutty junkie who needs to be removed as soon as possible, but her transition could spell good things for the show as a whole, as now the weak down-trodden girl can take some vampire vengeance. Hoorah! Stake Damon, Vicki. Do it, you know you want to.

So, what else happened? Oh yeah, Elena moaned about Stefan being a vampire, acting all scared and disturbed, but we all know she'll get over it, and it looks like so does Nina Dobrev. She was taking Elena's shock realising about as seriously as you take Barberella. There was so little emotion going on back there, I had trouble caring one iota about her. Although, I have to give her some props for the break up scene with Stefan at the end of the episode, it was well acted and her tears look genuine, though I can't let it make up for the shit she had trodden through the episode earlier. You know what else she did? Entirely ruined Katherine's big introduction! We spend the last five episodes building up Katherine as this manipulative force to be reckoned with, and sure she's a vampire which is kind of a shock, but Dobrev failed on every account to bring her to life. Ha, pun. Anyway, I know that she will improve as the vampire vixen, but in 'Lost Girls' she was pretty horrid.

Anything else? No, not really. Nothing worth mentioning at all. Screw you Vampire Diaries. GET GOOD ALREADY.

'You're Undead To Me' - The Vampire Diaries, Season One

The Vampire Diaries

Season One

Episode Five

'You're Undead to Me' - 5.0

I don't think I've used Sara Canning yet.

I've got to give The Vampire Diaries its props - they managed to have the main character realise the big truth at about the time I thought they should. Many shows have a habit of forcing their protagonist to come to a million incorrect conclusions before finally seeing what is right in front of them. Not TVD, which chose to have Elena make a revelation I thought would take a lot longer than five episodes. Kudos, because that was a pleasant surprise.

Ok, I hope I haven't got ahead of myself. She seemed pretty sure, but she hasn't really confronted Stefan about any of it yet - though if he can give a believable explanation that isn't 'I'm a vampire' then I'll be incredibly impressed; although hella annoyed.

This episode was about coming to terms with irrationality I guess. Poor Caroline may not have fully grasped what happened to her on account of Damon, but she made some decisions that will definitely impact on the two of them in the times to come. Bonnie decided to approach her Grams about her growing abilities after causing hilarious chaos at the sexy car-wash, which in my opinion was strange. These kids are supposed to be jail bait, like the ages of sixteen or seventeen, yet they are doing a bikini fundraiser. Is that normal in America? God, I sure hope not.

Regardless of what could be child porn, this episode on a whole was... alright. It wasn't boring, but until the end nothing really happened. Damon moaned around in his prison, killed Zach (oh, no. that is sad. i don't think i'll ever be happy again.) then went and seemingly killed Vicki - that was more shocking, and will have definitely cause some repercussions. Yay! A mildly important character is dead! Conflict shall arise!

I was a little annoyed by the manipulation of Caroline, though I can't really fault it. The idea kind of makes sense, though I thought Damon would be too weak to pull tricks like that.

Bonnie managed some tricks though, first taking some water revenge on a mean bitch, then setting fire to a car because she didn't want to clean the pavement. After the initial magical prank, I was impressed to see that Bonnie almost relished her power at that point. For a second there it looked like we were heading slowly towards a Willow Rosenberg scenario, however after the small bout of pyrokinesis our resident witch went crying to her Grams. I never get this in television shows with magic - what teenager would not love to be powerful like that? Seriously, tell me! I mean, who didn't feel a little disappointed when they turned twelve and hadn’t yet received a letter from Hogwarts? I sure did, but maybe I'm weird.

You know what else I don't understand? Jeremy. First few episodes he's all 'buy my narcotics' and 'I'm so high, dude' and 'you don't understand my pain' (not real quotes) but now he's complaining about having too many drugs, and talking about spending sober-time with girlfriend Vicki. Next he's all uptight about stealing Elena's medication. To me, this is lazy characterisation, and is really just the writers attempting to make an unlikable character less of a dick. It's not working. Just stop. There was probably more potential in a drug-storyline anyhow. Maybe Jeremy can do some interesting things now Vicki's kicked the bucket.

On a final, Vampire Diaries-you-have-issues note, what is with the family ties? Has every Fell been a journalist in Mystic Falls? Is that the only occupation they can have? The Forbes clan too, what is with the bloody sheriff's department? I'm pretty sure sheriffs are elected, so it doesn't really make sense that a Forbes was always a sheriff. I hope they have some sort of reason for this, and not just the whole 'brought-up to do one thing' nonsense. This show is dumb.

'Family Ties' - The Vampire Diaries, Season One

The Vampire Diaries

Season One

Episode Four

'Family Ties' - 6.5

Spoiler alert: even topless Caroline is about a tenth as awesome as Season Two-onwards Caroline.  

There really isn't a whole lot to say about this episode. Once again, there is a serious lack of action, but the acting was a step up from most weeks and the plot itself seemed to advance considerably.

We meet the Founder's Council for the first time tonight, though whether they are named I can't remember. All we know is there is a group of important people who are aware of the vampire presence in Mystic Falls, consisting of at least Logan Fell, Mrs. Lockwood, Sheriff Forbes and the Mayor. At the present time, none of these characters are actually compelling or particularly threatening, though it is at least significant that they all have some sort of tie to the characters we've already met - Tyler's parents, Caroline's mum and Elena's Aunt Jenna's ex-boyfriend. This will all be surely important later down the track, if only because it'll make it more difficult for them to be killed off. At the same time, they theoretically are only a threat to Damon and Stefan, neither of whom I'd be overly upset to lose, though I'd be upset if they DIDN’T kill Damon.

Leading on from that, Damon was actually at his best in this episode - which isn't that great - but just because he ended up locked in a little prison cell. Hahahahahahahahaahahahah. And by Mr. Bland-weak-sauce. That's gotta hurt him, but it made me happy. It was almost like retribution for all the crappy voice-acting by Ian Somerhalder, having him be captured in a truly obvious way. I mean, you have to admit the ploy was clear - I thought for a moment Damon only let Caroline and Stefan be alone together so he could gloat about foiling another vervain-attempt. Damon, you are officially too cocky and too stupid. JUST DIE.

Caroline's going pretty great though, Candice Accola was fantastic portraying the dazed and battered girl as she came out of her compulsion. She has managed to go from an irritating and nosy bitch to a tragic and no-doubt spitefully real person. It'll be good now that she has the crystal and can play an important role in the coming storylines.

Another character slowly edging towards the limelight is Bonnie, who revealed tonight she has real power by lighting some candles... with her mind! No, it was horribly clichéd, and ridiculous that a normal person would just decide to try and ignite a candle with telepathically. Seriously? Sure, it worked, but maybe she should be put in therapy for delusions. Even with the psycho witch being herself, the scene where she lit an entire room full of candles was masterful, I loved the image and thought it was very moving. Perhaps soon Bonnie can pull some awesome shit - I hope she ends up like Willow in the Buffyverse.

So this is 'Family Ties', nothing to make us praise the lord for the existence of television, but the most important of the first few episodes in terms of plot and character advancement, although I did prefer the previous outing. The action was entirely all-talk, with a little creative filming, but it was not too boring, and I ended up caring for a lot of the people who live in this world.

'Friday Night Bites' - The Vampire Diaries, Season One

The Vampire Diaries

Season One

Episode Three

'Friday Night Bites' - 7.0

And Stefan's brief stint on the football team is never mentioned again

I know all you Damon or Stefan Salvatore fans out there must hate me, and I understand. Both of my prior reviews for uber-teen sensation 'The Vampire Diaries' have been a little negative - well, I've ripped into the show like one of the bloodsuckers rips into a nice throbbing neck - but I should get around to telling you why. Not only have I heard wonderful things about the series, but I have watched it before I decided to start again for the blog. I know at some point it does become watchable, heck, enjoyable; it's just that those first two episodes verged on unbearably atrocious. They were largely poorly acted, and the plot went absolutely nowhere and the characters were not given an ounce of depth or real history. Luckily, the first season's third episode 'Friday Night Bites' changed that. Yes, though it will by no means be perfect, I am giving The Vampire Diaries it's first of hopefully many positive reviews. Shall we proceed?

Our first glimpse tonight was of Caroline, who awoke half-nekkid in bed with none other than the world's most irritating evil doer - Damon freaking Salvatore. I like Caroline, I admit, though that is probably from my prior knowledge of the show, and how awesome she ends up becoming later on. At the moment though, she's a bit of a dud. She whines and brags and has the tack of a poster pin someone left in the ocean five decades ago. It's pretty tough to watch her at this point. Regardless, for those who didn’t know everything was gonna be fine, the first few moments were pretty suspenseful. I remember when I first watched it a couple of years ago I thought she'd die for sure - she was a bitch and we were only three episodes in. It made sense, and would definitely cause conflict.

When she did turn up alive and as perky as usual later on, I was probably a bit disappointed. Luckily for the viewer though, Caroline wasn't the only character who could be shoved off to create a bit of tension - towards the end of the episode we lost Mr. Tanner, the teacher who acts like he forged a education degree so he can torment teenagers. The writers could have chosen to off a character with a bigger emotional draw, but I'm told Tanner died in a similar manner in the novel, so I guess I can pass it. I was pleased anyway, cause it confirmed the powers of Bonnie, which I don't think really needed confirming at all, but it is appreciated nonetheless. It also completely tore apart Damon and Stefan's already floundering family ties - at the conclusion, Stefan makes a decision (into his journal of course) that Damon needs to go, and he needs to go quickly. Oooh! I can't remember where this goes, but it sounds suspenseful.

Outside of faculty fatalities, Elena also noted a clue to Stefan's true nature - she noticed a cut, only for it to disappear because of vampire regenerative capabilities. Elena didn't really take it any further than a few confused questions, but the groundwork for the big reveal I know is coming was laid down, and she clearly hasn't brushed it off as a misreading.

On the note of Stefan's little hand injury, can I again mention the utter waste of space that is Jeremy Gilbert? I know Tyler started the fight, but it was Jeremy who tried to slash someone's flesh - that has to count for something. Tyler never attempted to kill the kid, in fact I remember Jeremy threatening to murder Vicki's ex only the last episode. It's clear Elena needs to send her brother for some help, I'm thinking more like a psychiatric institution than rehab. Or why don't we save everyone some trouble and just get him the lethal injection?

I still have issues with the overall patronising writing that prevails the show - Bonnie repeats her psychic numbers a couple of times during the episode. We would have got it once, and if we didn't it wouldn't have mattered. The viewers all know that you are a witch, Bonnie, cause it would be boring as shit if it turned out you were a normal girl with a penchant for coincidences. We don't have learning disabilities, you can be vague or subtle. In fact, please do. Half of the human population has less than average IQ, but half of us are above average. Which half do you care about more?

One last positive and negative point. I'll admit Damon was less infuriating tonight than he was in the first two episodes. He was less of a one-note bad guy, and more of a deeply affected man who is putting up a front. I will comment that it was a bit of staging, not acting, that led me to this conclusion, and I still think Ian Somerhalder kinda sucks right now (my theory is that he didn't think the show would last so he hammed it up), but I know he slowly improves over time. That wasn't the negative, no, the negative was a general issue with the characters of the show - I continue to wish a slow death on most of them, most notably Jeremy, Damon, Matt, Tyler and Vicki - only one of whom actually dies in the future episodes I've seen. This is more an issue of writing-failures and abuse of stereotypes than acting ability, but this again will improve as the show goes on - at least from my memory it does.

So, it may not be that momentous an occasion, but that was a positive review. So if you've been sending me hate mail, you can stop now. I don't have a bias against the show or the genre, no, it is awful television I have a bias towards, and I'm sorry, but the first two episodes were pretty awful. Get over it, I think we are past the worst of it for now.

'The Night of the Comet' - The Vampire Diaries, Season One

The Vampire Diaries

Season One

Episode Two

'The Night of the Comet' -4.5

Shut up Damon. 

The second episode of The Vampire Diaries was a bit like walking up and down a small hill. Started from the bottom, with little hope because of failure of the preceding trek, the walk was pretty dull at first. As things get higher it all began to get slightly more and more interesting, and the prospects of what may be at the top became brighter. Finally, around about half way through the little hike I reached the top, from which the view was amazing and I was looking forward to the descent, however it turned out the normal way down was closed and I had to retread my steps back down the boring slope of been-there-done-that. To be more to the point, the middle of 'the Night of the Comet' was splendidly tense and fun, but the parts before and after were so sucky it practically undid the only good scene.

So, what scene is so good, you may ask. Well you see, I was incredibly surprised by which moment in this episode I enjoyed so much. I'll start by explaining why; I don't like Damon yet. At this point in the series I find him stereotypical and poorly performed. I'm sorry, but Ian Somerhalder, in my opinion, is no good at playing evil. His attempt at the sultry, cocky voice mixed with the god-awful one-liners he's forced to say make him seem effeminate and over-the-top. He reminds me of a out-and-proud gay queen who knows a secret that no one else is aware of, yet something they'll all want to know. It's not Somerhalder himself, it's the crappy delivery and presumably the less-than-adequate direction that make him seem so... soapy. I don't know, I wasn't trying to be offensive, just calling it how I see it. Off topic, anyhow, since he was the lynchpin of the best scene of the episode, in which he brings Vicki Donovan to a rooftop then once again tries to bring his brother over to the dark side.

Interestingly, I don't really like Vicki or her actor either. I mean, she doesn't do too badly, but I just feel that the pilot's performance was better. Like that episode as well, I was hoping that our young drug-whore would die the way all unimportant and lousy characters should - painfully and memorably. Alas, she got out with only a few pulled stitches. She wasn't that integral to the scene anyway, it was Damon and Stefan who stole the show, with both allowing the viewers to get a better look at the characters - Stefan, being a holier-than-thou vegan vampire with a rod so far up his ass it's probably scrambling his brains; and Damon, who've I've already torn apart in this review. It's true I like neither, but it is good that this scene helped me realise why, and made them and their relationship seem less boring. The whole time up there on the roof was heart-pounding, and with a bit-player like Vicki there we couldn't be sure she'd survive, which certainly added suspense to intensify the situation.

I was disappointed when the scene ended up meaning nothing - Vicki was compelled out of all memory of the confrontation and let go without serious injury, and Damon and Stefan didn't really learn anything new about each other, even if we did. The rest of the episode was pretty much the same, nothing, followed by nothing, followed by nothing.

Can I just point out how much I HATE Jeremy? He's Elena's little brother but I get this sneaking suspicion we are supposed to feel sympathy for him, but he's a stuck-up brat who refuses to admit he has a serious drug problem. Stick the asshole to the sticking place and get it over with, every time he's on screen I want him to overdose and DIE IN A HOLE. Please. His constant teen-angst made me like Aunt Jenna though, which is maybe the real point. I honestly don't know, because I cannot see how we are supposed to like him. He's seriously as big a douchebag as Tyler, they should probably both leave Vicki alone.

Complaint number four-thousand and six; the music. Cut it out already! All this indie-pop is really grinding my gears. Oh, you're quirky Vampire Diaries? Really? No, no, I think you're just dull, and cowardly. Pull a trick! Play some death metal in a touching moment! Do something brave you stupid show.

I think I'm fair. I was a tad impressed Elena and Stefan kissed in only the second episode, though I care so little about either of them I can't really give the show any more marks for it. You know what I'd like? Stake Damon. Throw Vicki off the roof. Give Jeremy a razor blade and a bottom of valium. Cut out the 'alternate' music garbage. Grow some balls. Make a change. I think this is all fair as well, right? Wouldn't be that big a deal.

Oh, but don't hurt Caroline ever again. OK?

'Pilot' - The Vampire Diaries, Season One

The Vampire Diaries
Season One
Episode One
'Pilot' - 2.5

That's Nina Dobrev pondering what show she'll try out for once this pilot is dropped in the waste basket.

I admit the Vampire Diaries is a bit of a guilty pleasure. No one really referred it to me, but since my obsession with TV in general often led me to online forums discussing television and such, I'd heard many a person speak highly of the show. I'll be honest by saying I did eventually come to enjoy it, but this first episode is definitely not the reason why. Hell, in my years of watching TV this is one of the worst pilots I've ever seen.

First of all, could the characters be anymore stereotypical? Name one who isn't something out of every high-school set-drama; Caroline, the nosy, whiny, wannabe bitch-whore, Bonnie, the perfect best friend who only ever does the right thing, Jeremy, the rebellious emo who does drugs but feels bad about it, Vicki, the crack whore with zero self confidence, Tyler, the studly douchebag and Matt, the cutesy, love-sick jock ex-boyfriend. OH GOD, so many clichés my head wants to run away! Even Elena, who is just each and every female protagonist ever - she's lost her parents as well! Why do main characters seem to need parental issues or be orphans? Is it more relatable? Don't get me started on the loving brothers Damon and Stefan, whose only roles this episode are to look pretty and act mysterious. Stefan is clearly a moralistic, non-predatory vampire while Damon is the bad-influence, the evil, all powerful one. Right, cause I've never seen that before in a vampire show.

Remember, before TVD fans start tearing me to little chunks, that I'm only reviewing episode one, and I'm trying to blank the rest of the series out for now. I know the characters get better, but I'm trying to look at it as if I've only watched this and it is all I have to go on. So cool down...

Now, what's the next problem? Oh yeah, nothing actually happens. Fucking Vicki is bit at some point, but no one likes Vicki. In fact, I was kinda hoping she'd just die and Jeremy would stop being so pathetic and knight-in-shining-armour-y. At this stage in the show, I think it would have been the best option for him. The two of them are really the worst right now, and everything would have been a million times more awesome if Damon had just killed them both. Sure, Elena would be heartbroken, but conflict is always good in a television show; which is kinda the problem here. Elena meets Stefan, mopes about her dead parents then finds Vicki in the forest and goes home. That is all that happens, and it is the most boring and pointless way to introduce us to one of the protagonists of the show.

I guess that leads me to the big issue here - the writing is absolutely atrocious. The only other show I've watched by Kevin Williamson (that I know of) is The Secret Circle, and that also had a big writing problem. Heck, that was only interesting when Faye (Phoebe Tonkin) was on screen. Here, there isn't even a Faye. All the characters are bland, all the dialogue is bland, there is no conflict and everything comes back to high school-drama clichés. What's worse is that Williamson seems desperate to put in some jokes every now and again, but everyone of them falls completely flat - this may be the girl who plays Bonnie's fault - and that makes me sad. And not in a good, great character death-sad, just exhausted sad. It is trying so hard - too hard - and failing not-so-spectacularly.

I've voiced my complaints about the episode before, and received a typically close-minded response from whoever I was talking to - 'Oh, you obviously weren't paying attention', 'but the acting's so good!' (bullshit), 'Paul Wesley and Ian Somerhalder are so hot though!', 'You clearly didn't get it.' - and guess what; go suck a lemon. You loved it? YOU clearly don't understand what good television is. Not this. You may question why I kept watching, and that's fair. To be frank, I wouldn't have, but so many good reviews about the show convinced me to buy, rather than borrow, the DVD, thus I had twenty-something more episodes that I could watch or I could let go to waste. I luckily chose to give them a go.

Perhaps it's because I'm male. Is that it? Hot guys don't equal a high-quality show for me. It's just not how I view television. Likewise, a hot girl doesn't quite cut it either. No, the shows I watch have substance - fantastic characters, a thrilling plot, brilliant visuals, something - and this horrid pilot lacks any of the sort. This is, quite plainly, a high school-romance drama with a couple of boring vampires who don't do much other than bicker like school girls.

So, why is the rating 2.5 instead of zero? Well, because some of the performances are OK. I can't say terrible or fantastic - there is no specific moment where any actor actually gets to act properly, but Nina Dobrev, Paul Wesley and whoever plays Vicki Donovan did alright with what they were given. Everyone else either sucked serious ass at what they had, or didn't get a chance to fight or fail. Also, it was clear that a lot of work had gone into some of it. For example, the opening sequence with the attack on the couple - a horror cliché to rule them all and not scary in the slightest - was pretty well shot, and the boy and girl did fearful-but-obviously-gonna-die as best they could. The all-too-brief fight scene between the vampire brothers was also choreographed excellently, except it was over in about a minute with no real purpose or lasting result. Ah, oh well. Some parts were fine enough, but this pilot is simply not my idea of a good time.