'Sick' - The Walking Dead, Season Three

The Walking Dead

Season Three

Episode Two

'Sick' - 5.5

I'm still a teenager, so I can see the creepy Rule 34 shit here. 

'Sick' is a damn good name for this episode about consequence and retribution, as our heroes are left trying desperately to save Hershel after his walker attack last episode, while coping with the prisoners who want to claim the prison as their own.

In this case, the 'sick' party would actually be Rick, as well as the de facto leader of the prisoner group; Tomas. Oh and Hershel too, I guess. The reason the first two aren't entirely well refers to their almost amoral killings of innocent people. For Tomas this isn't such a big deal, as we aren't overly familiar with any of this group just yet we are easily able to accept the violent criminal as evil.

Rick, on the other hand, is a tougher pill to swallow. In the first two seasons we came to know him as noble and trusting, only resorting to violence when it was absolutely required of him. We do see this Rick early on when he offers to let the prisoners stay in the a different cell block, even promising to help them, but this version of the character has clearly been largely lost, as later on he plants a machete in Tomas' skull. There was a reason, obviously, as Tomas had repeatedly disobeyed Rick's suggestions, brutally ended one of his own troupe after he was scratched by a walker and then literally thrown a living zombie at Rick in some stupid act of insubordination.

This was of course during the taking of the new cell block, and it was all too much for Rick. He and Tomas have a big long, alpha male staring contest once Daryl's come to the rescue, before Rick lets his anger get the better of him and divides the top of the inmate's skull in two. Gross. 

There's an even worse act of questionable morals shortly after, as one of the other prisoners absolutely freaks out and runs away, with Rick showing his former policeman status as he goes in pursuit. Eventually, the unfortunate man runs into a yard full of walkers, and Rick almost nonchalantly slides the barred door shut to prevent him from getting away. Yikes, man. There was a glimmer of remorse and hesitation in his eyes as he stepped away, the prisoner's desperate screams being heard through the door. 

What is with this new Rick? I'm not really complaining, an ambiguous protagonist is so rare that they are like sugar to the seasoned television viewer, but it was just such an abrupt change from the character we know. Luckily I can see exactly what has driven him to this level of immorality, and you get a glimpse into it in the final scene between him and Lori. Rather than simply tell her that he doesn't want to be with her anymore, he ignores her talk of their relationship, even failing to make any kind of eye contact, before thanking her for saving Hershel and walking away. You can tell that Shane's words last season had an effect on him, almost made him push his family away so that their safety can't affect his judgement, and clearly his separation from them has driven this regression into doing what's necessary rather than doing what's right.

For Hershel, his day is much more... unconscious. I was happy to find that he never displays signs of the zombie virus, and never picks up a fever at any point. He doesn't exactly look his best though, as he doesn't even get any dialogue or really open his eyes. Instead, he lies on a jail cell bed while Carol - whom he had taught some basic medical stuff to so that she could help deal with Lori - does her best to keep him alive.

And one point, it looked like we'd lost the old man, as his daughter Maggie saw his chest stop moving. It was even more poignant as she'd not long prior told Glenn that she actually think it'd be easier if he died, but she is still distraught when she thinks he’d passed. Lori rushes in to perform hasty CPR - never a good idea on a possible zombie-case - only to have him lurch up and grab her in an admittedly jump-out-of-your-seat moment, though he quickly falls back under, his breathing back to normal. I swore my spine hit the ceiling when that happened, as Lori actually had her mouth to his, and it was just terrifying. She could've had her face ripped off. Well done, show. Kudos to you.

By the end of the episode though, once everyone's back in the cell block, Hershel opens his eyes and takes Rick's hand, showing that perhaps there is hope and maybe it comes from the prison, of all places. I think that is what we need right now, especially now that Rick has become the new Shane. I do wonder though, perhaps Maggie will end up being right. How long can a one legged man escape walkers?

The glaring absence of Andrea and the black woman with the walker-pets was noted, though the show functions somewhat fine enough without them. I was waiting patiently for them to make another appearance, but in the end I'm quite happy to have to wait until next week to learn what's up with them. 

There is a gloom that perpetually sits on top of this show, and an almost unsettling sense of dread that continues even in the confines of the prison. Any noise, any movement could be a walker. At one point Carol collects one of the creatures from outside the fence so she can investigate her insides - she worries she may have to do a caesarean section on Lori - and the ease with which she undid the mended fence hints that a determined walker - or pack of walkers - could make its way in. 

I still wonder what can be done at a place like a prison. The farm from the second season got some negative reviews from viewers, even if I didn't have any issues with it. I guess the grounds of a jail a considerably larger and more labyrinthine than what we had last season, and with the prime gains there we could easily see a near war build over this compound. They will surely put Andrea back with her companions at some point, and to do that she'll have to meet up with them again, which could happen through battle for the prime real estate. We know that she's going to join up with some other group in order to get medicine for her sickness, right? Anyway, there is still a lot of potential within the impenetrable walls of the jail, but how long before it is exhausted, and we have to bring in threats from the outside? Clearly this episode, though an i­mprovement over the premiere, didn’t really answer any questions. ­­­

'Guts' - The Walking Dead, Season One

The Walking Dead

Season One

Episode Two

'Guts' - 8.5

I'm certain that zombie bitch has just uttered a horrible ethnic slur at poor Asian Glenn. 

I can imagine what the description of 'Guts' would be like: We open as Lori, our hero's wife and mother to their son, decides to take an impromptu walk through a possibly zombie-infested woodland. She is alone, with only the trees around her. A rustle grabs her attention, footsteps, maybe? Perhaps she isn't quite alone as she thought. The sounds approach, the camera jumps back and forth as Lori twists and turns to find her unknown pursuer. There is quiet, a still moment that tells the viewer something horrible is about to happen. Suddenly, in this tense, nail-biting scene, there is SEX.

Yeah, so Lori and Shane are getting it on as passionately as you can in the forest, completely allowing themselves to forget that there are zombies now. Would you wanna be caught with your pants down by something that wants to eat your brains? Anyway, this will no doubt be a problem later down the line - does Lori even know that Rick is alive? Or is that information Shane didn't give her? Who knows yet, I guess we'll have to wait and see. Either way, for a false-scare it was well filmed, and there was no jump music which is always a plus in these cases. I find an abrupt, deep booming sound designed to make us start at a point in a horror when nothing bad is actually happening kind of... condescending? I don't know, it's like the movie is screaming 'GOTCHA DICKHEAD!' then laughing and showing us boobies. But not here! The absence of boobies is noted, though it has little impact, but the fake-out is not taken all the way so viewer trust is not dumped in a puddle and stomped on. Hoorah!

In the midst of ‘geek’-infested Atlanta, our protagonist is rescued from his tank-prison by the meddlings of Glenn. It is good to have some new meat on the scene, and Glenn seems somewhat alright. Adept at climbing and escaping, he's Asian for no reason what so ever - which is a plus, by the way. Race shouldn't be relevant at all, and it isn't. There is also a black guy and a black girl, neither of whom are really referred to as such - except by me and that annoying redneck guy. There is also another woman and another guy other than the aforementioned redneck. I don't remember anyone's names, and none of them were particularly captivating. It looks like the show is focusing on the white girl, whose sister is at the base camp with Lori and Shane; which means this group in the abandoned store are really just a vehicle to reunite our main character with his wife. Fair enough, but it does make everyone of them fodder essentially.

The most notable moment - and I'm sure all will agree - is the dismembering of a walker that begins Rick's plan to escape from Atlanta. It is raw and nauseating, but the acting from all involved is reasonable, and makes the scene even more realistic. Rick's words of reflection on the dead man they are about to tear open with a fire axe are a tad cliché, but still relevant and a little moving, a total juxtaposition to the literal carnage that follows a few seconds later. We don't get shots of the axe flying into the air with blood splattering, no, we get shots of the torso being demolished and limbs being amputated. Well then, alright. You've got my attention, but was that really necessary?

The point was to have Glenn and Rick covered in zombie guts (hey look, a reference to the title!) so they didn't smell like living human beings anymore and could safely navigate the busy streets of Atlanta. Remind me never to visit this city, I don't like the smell of rotting flesh that much. Anyway, the plan is quite effective at first, and the slow shuffle through the horde is suitably tense and long. My only complaint would be the frequent shots of the rest of the crew watching from the roof top cause I seriously didn't care. The only characters I liked were currently walking through a death zone and I'm looking at the spectators?

Guess what? As our friends carefully navigated the street in fashion's new shade of red it began to rain! Apparently the stench of zombie is easier to wash off than mud, and the water reveals our heroes for who they are - alive! Next thing I knew, there are axes dividing skulls in half and our two friends running for the lives they just attempted to hide. Oh well, it had to happen our that entire traipse would have been far too boring, apparently. I've heard things need to fail or viewers get bored; I wouldn't know though, cause TV-plans NEVER work the way they are supposed to. All ends for the best though, as Glenn and Rick steal a truck, manage to distract the walkers and save the crew.

Unfortunately for redneck guy, he was a complete asshole and tried to seize control of the group earlier in the episode. Rick, being our boring-as-fuck, moralistic cop-protagonist stifles his coup and handcuffs him on the rooftop of the building, and this proves a disastrous decision when the black guy loses the key. They are forced to leave redneck jerk alone up there, essentially a pre-brought snack for the dead. Alas, watch me care for that guy, my only regret is that we didn't get to see him chomped to bits.

As the episode ended, our new group of survivors made their way out of Atlanta, presumably towards the 'safety' of the sex forest and its nearby base camp.

Should I mention the quality of the episode? Sure! Way more happens in this episode than in the last, and there is so little time spent on exposition that I have no clue at all who anyone but Rick and Glenn actually are. That's a negative right there, though I never really expected a zombie show to be a character drama. The violence, though way, way over-the-top was actually pretty standard for the zombie-genre, so I didn't really have that big a problem with it. I had to turn away from the screen during the dismemberment (only to rewatch it so I could talk about it), but I guess that's just effectiveness. Acting; well as I said I don't know who these characters are so I can't say much. Nothing hit me as particularly good or bad, though the work of the white girl was pretty good, as well as (I hate to admit it) redneck guy. To be honest though, acting didn't really matter. It's a horror film essentially, and who cares about how relatable the characters or their portrayers are? We just want fear, violence and suspense, and 'Guts' definitely delivers.

'The Dead Don't Stay Dead' - 666 Park Avenue, Season One

666 Park Avenue

Season One

Episode Three

'The Dead Don't Stay Dead' - 2.5

Has anyone noticed that squash is by far the scariest sport ever? No, me neither. 

There was only one scene tonight that even came close to giving me the heebie-jeebies, with the vast majority of this so-so horror drama leaving me a little... well, bored. As shows like The Walking Dead tell us, horror is a genre oddly fit for character exploration, but so far 666 Park Avenue has presented uninteresting or run-of-the-mill pawns in its winding tale; that will clearly devolve into some morality thing.

I'm not quite hating it yet, there is something about it that hints that the writers are both going somewhere and actually trying, but there is this deadness to it all that I can't avoid. There's no irony, no humour, no real emotion. The actors are asked to walk around and be normal, yet I want to see them screaming and, well, torn apart. Yeah, secondary characters die, but so far no one who's been here more than one episode has bitten the dust; and yes I'm aware this is the third episode. 

Once again we are given something what resembles a monster-of-the-week, but rather it is a victim-of-the-week. Tonight it's young Annie, a down-and-out obituary writer who wants to see her star rising. However after a talk with Gavin in the lift she is suddenly blessed with the power to make whatever she writes the truth, i.e. write fake obituaries that suddenly aren't bullshit. Hooray! You could like end wars and stuff, but no, she makes some dead guy a spy for the CIA. Whatever. 

In a slightly ironic (are there varying degrees of irony?) twist, her powers of anti-bullshitting create the ultimate villain, when the man that she claimed her fake CIA spy tracked turns up in her apartment, violently pulling her away from a window she'd broken in a futile attempt to escape, dragging her over the bathroom floor and leaving a bloody trail on the tiles. In her last scene, we see her bound to a chair while the man she created gets to work with the torturing and junk. Good for her. 

Has anyone ever done a scary little girl before? Other than of course The Shining, Children of the Corn, The Ring, Orphan, Buffy, [REC], a whole host more. Ok, she isn't that scary, but it is still a tired trope that was cool the first few times but is getting more and more irritating with every passing evil infant. Tonight this girl seems to have escaped from the weird room that Jane uncovered - at the cost of an unfortunate exterminator's life. She never tries to like kill anyone, but only our heroine can see her and she revels in providing cryptic warnings that lead Jane to a briefcase with some sort of demonic force inside it. 

It is the ten-year anniversary of Gavin and Olivia's daughter's death after she killed herself by driving full speed into a cement embankment. Obviously only Olivia is aware it was a suicide, with Gavin assured that it was purely accidental. In the end we learn that Sasha had done the deed to escape from the shadow of her 'evil' - in her words, hence the quotation marks - father, though we learn this through a note that Olivia burns during the conclusion. Vanessa Williams tried her upmost to portray a mother's remaining grief, but really it came off as very staged and unbelievable. It didn't help that Rachel Taylor's Jane spends the whole episode going 'Awww' and 'I'm so sorry'. Grow some balls, woman. I know you think this woman is your friend, but you are unbelievably dull. And stupid, FYI. Who continues to venture into places you believe to be haunted, unless you have some sort of death wish - which would actually be an interesting and enjoyable twist. Anyway, how can you have friends?

Henry, what the fuck are you doing? All he does is talk about work. Who cares? And you're so happy. I hope you die slowly and painfully, perhaps with Gavin - the only good character on the show - wrapping his paranormal fingers around your throat and giving a tight squeeze. He's already initiated then thwarted a near promotion, what's he got in store next anyway?

My least favourite storyline involves Brian and Louise, with Brian being the surely ill-fated adulterous husband who is infatuated with his wife's assistant. I honestly hope he doesn't make it past the next episode, all he does is look like a hipster and lust. That's not a character, that's barely even a sentence. He shows the kind of depth and provides the kind of story that you can get from an arty teenager's sketch of his inner feelings. Overwrought, yet deeply shallow. Go to hell, Robert Buckley, you haven't acted shit but you haven't proven yourself either. 

Let's be honest for a second; I don't hate anyone yet. Yeah, Brian, Henry, Olivia and Jane all irritate me to some level, but Gavin is awesome thanks to Terry O'Quinn, and the secondary characters like Louise and Alexis haven't made me bang my head against the wall. There is potential there. Still, the show better be heading towards some sort of big event that sets the rest of the series in motion, like the death of a major player. That always kick-starts an ailing drama. Kill Henry! Better yet, Brian! Though I don't know how big an effect that would have on anyone really; 'Oh the hunk's dead. The women will be sad.'. That's probably about it, really.

So, 'The Dead Don't Stay Dead', did you have any other tricks up your sleeve? Not really. The only remotely scary scene occurred as Jane ventures into the basement - again - after hearing bells ringing from all the way up in her bedroom. It's dark and soft, creepy music heightens the feeling of impending jump-scare, only it never arrives. Instead, she discovers a torch, showing that someone else was there. Or something. She finds the bells attached to a suitcase, the very one she brings back up to her apartment to deal with the next morning. As she goes back to sleep, a monstrous being presses itself against the leather from beneath the suitcase, and we fade to black.

I'm probably going to fade to black as well. I'm never bored, but what we get is pretty standard for this calibre of network television, with its only aim being to keep us interested, but not gripped. Often gripping us would entail doing something a little risqué, which threatens the wholesome nature of a FUCKING HORROR SHOW. Fuck the PTC, kill the children and deck the halls with their intestines. Drown fucking Jane and her boring-as-shit boyfriend in a pool of Brian's blood, and then we'll have a show. 

Well that escalated quickly. 

'Memorial' - The Vampire Diaries, Season Four

The Vampire Diaries

Season Four

Episode Two

'Memorial' - 8.0

The suckiest funeral ever.

The final scene of a show is always the most important part, as when you leave after watching the hour or forty minutes or whatever, it is the easiest part of the episode to recall. Often, when someone reviews an episode, their memory of the experience is based almost entirely on the final scene. This is also a good reason to rewatch things, though you never quite get an as intense emotional response.

This is why I am trying to ignore the final scene. It wasn't bad, but it was Damon-centric and an unveiled attempt to ensure that the character remains a bad boy with a heart of gold, and it just pisses me off. The scene before it was terrific, and I loved hearing the names of lost characters - though I don't know why Tyler wasn't there - and giving recognition to the past in a show not known for continuity or consistency. I thought it was a bit strange that Elena didn't mention Alaric in her list, as he'd only died at the same point she did, which was like two or three days prior. He also didn't seem to get an actual funeral, much like Jenna.

Also, I'm guessing that Matt Davis couldn't find another job, because Alaric returns tonight as the ghostly apparition of his former character, who watches over Damon as the vampire paces back and forth, having a full on conversation with Alaric's grave. It was supposed to be cute, clearly, and we were supposed to feel sorry for Damon, and yes, it is nice to see that he does care for someone who has died, but I also take pleasure in knowing that there is no one left on his side anymore, as evidenced when he ditched the memorial service at the end there. No one agreed with him or followed him, everyone stayed with Stefan and played sentimental.

The series' new antagonist Connor Jordan was pretty awesome, and I appreciated the hasty pace at which he works, rather than the confident, methodical and breezy pace that most of the villains do their thing. Klaus likes to go on giant rants before he does anything, as does Katherine who likes to pretend to be Elena for half-an-hour before she gets to it. Jordan though, the second he realised that Tyler was a vampire - *cough* hybrid *cough* - he pulled his gun and pretty much emptied the clip into his chest. 

By the way, does that mean that wooden stakes don't kill hybrids? Did this information just fly over my head, because Tyler was shot by bullets that Stefan reveals would have killed a normal vampire, then later he's shot with a stake by Jordan during his speech at the funeral. Presumably that was on target, and for a while I was certain that we'd lost another character – I was momentarily excited - but he was fine. 

I have to say, I was impressed with the scenes in the church. Of course the best bit was with the blood dripping down from the balcony and all the vampires knowing that if they turn around, Connor Jordan will know what they are and take them out. For Elena it was especially scary, as she could barely control the urge. What’s more, for some reason she decided to go make an eulogy in front of everyone, which Stefan ended up having to rescue her from. It was very tense and very well done. Connor's plan was actually far more intelligent than I generally give this show credit for, so kudos to them for providing legitimate suspense. 

I sincerely hope that Jordan is a near permanent member of Mystic Falls. Even though he had barely any lines and we don't know anything about him, I feel like he is a real threat to our vampire friends and that is awesome. So often villains are just talk on this show, and it's about time we had one who can go through with their claims and perform acts of great violence on characters we love. I do have to request that he gets to take out one important character though, and I honestly don't care who. 

Elena's entire experience in 'Memorial' was pretty fun, and she is clearly a slightly different vampire to all the others as she is having issues drinking animal blood, vampire blood and blood bags. On more than one occasion she vomits rather spectacularly as a result of not taking blood straight 'from the vein', as it were. Seeing Nina Dobrev have to project what looks like half of Damon all over the church toilet was a sight to see, and I don't know if the show will ever be that gross ever again. I hope they will though.

I wonder if Elena's issues with her vampirism will necessitate the return of Katherine for aid, and that would be just fantastic. Katherine is and always will be the better role that Dobrev gets to play. 

Yeah, I did enjoy 'Memorial' on the whole, if I found the final scene a manipulative attempt to curry favour for Damon. Most of the other scenes, which varied from touching and retrospective to tense and climactic, managed to redeem the episode in my mind. I wouldn't count it as the best but it was pretty good and different for a show that can never call itself unique. 

'The Night of the Comet' - The Vampire Diaries, Season One

The Vampire Diaries

Season One

Episode Two

'The Night of the Comet' -4.5

Shut up Damon. 

The second episode of The Vampire Diaries was a bit like walking up and down a small hill. Started from the bottom, with little hope because of failure of the preceding trek, the walk was pretty dull at first. As things get higher it all began to get slightly more and more interesting, and the prospects of what may be at the top became brighter. Finally, around about half way through the little hike I reached the top, from which the view was amazing and I was looking forward to the descent, however it turned out the normal way down was closed and I had to retread my steps back down the boring slope of been-there-done-that. To be more to the point, the middle of 'the Night of the Comet' was splendidly tense and fun, but the parts before and after were so sucky it practically undid the only good scene.

So, what scene is so good, you may ask. Well you see, I was incredibly surprised by which moment in this episode I enjoyed so much. I'll start by explaining why; I don't like Damon yet. At this point in the series I find him stereotypical and poorly performed. I'm sorry, but Ian Somerhalder, in my opinion, is no good at playing evil. His attempt at the sultry, cocky voice mixed with the god-awful one-liners he's forced to say make him seem effeminate and over-the-top. He reminds me of a out-and-proud gay queen who knows a secret that no one else is aware of, yet something they'll all want to know. It's not Somerhalder himself, it's the crappy delivery and presumably the less-than-adequate direction that make him seem so... soapy. I don't know, I wasn't trying to be offensive, just calling it how I see it. Off topic, anyhow, since he was the lynchpin of the best scene of the episode, in which he brings Vicki Donovan to a rooftop then once again tries to bring his brother over to the dark side.

Interestingly, I don't really like Vicki or her actor either. I mean, she doesn't do too badly, but I just feel that the pilot's performance was better. Like that episode as well, I was hoping that our young drug-whore would die the way all unimportant and lousy characters should - painfully and memorably. Alas, she got out with only a few pulled stitches. She wasn't that integral to the scene anyway, it was Damon and Stefan who stole the show, with both allowing the viewers to get a better look at the characters - Stefan, being a holier-than-thou vegan vampire with a rod so far up his ass it's probably scrambling his brains; and Damon, who've I've already torn apart in this review. It's true I like neither, but it is good that this scene helped me realise why, and made them and their relationship seem less boring. The whole time up there on the roof was heart-pounding, and with a bit-player like Vicki there we couldn't be sure she'd survive, which certainly added suspense to intensify the situation.

I was disappointed when the scene ended up meaning nothing - Vicki was compelled out of all memory of the confrontation and let go without serious injury, and Damon and Stefan didn't really learn anything new about each other, even if we did. The rest of the episode was pretty much the same, nothing, followed by nothing, followed by nothing.

Can I just point out how much I HATE Jeremy? He's Elena's little brother but I get this sneaking suspicion we are supposed to feel sympathy for him, but he's a stuck-up brat who refuses to admit he has a serious drug problem. Stick the asshole to the sticking place and get it over with, every time he's on screen I want him to overdose and DIE IN A HOLE. Please. His constant teen-angst made me like Aunt Jenna though, which is maybe the real point. I honestly don't know, because I cannot see how we are supposed to like him. He's seriously as big a douchebag as Tyler, they should probably both leave Vicki alone.

Complaint number four-thousand and six; the music. Cut it out already! All this indie-pop is really grinding my gears. Oh, you're quirky Vampire Diaries? Really? No, no, I think you're just dull, and cowardly. Pull a trick! Play some death metal in a touching moment! Do something brave you stupid show.

I think I'm fair. I was a tad impressed Elena and Stefan kissed in only the second episode, though I care so little about either of them I can't really give the show any more marks for it. You know what I'd like? Stake Damon. Throw Vicki off the roof. Give Jeremy a razor blade and a bottom of valium. Cut out the 'alternate' music garbage. Grow some balls. Make a change. I think this is all fair as well, right? Wouldn't be that big a deal.

Oh, but don't hurt Caroline ever again. OK?

'The Plague Dogs' - Revolution, Season One

Revolution

Season One

Episode Four

'The Plague Dogs' - 5.5

Some how, the blonde woman in front is kidnapped before they get to the diner just ahead, without anyone noticing. Sense?

And so Revolution claims its first real victim. No, it wasn't really anyone important, rather it was a character who had most likely been destined to die in order to increase the drama and up the ante, as it were. Nonetheless, I was a little surprised.

I'd have to say that 'The Plague Dogs' was another improvement for the show, and I admit that I'm actually enjoying the ability to turn my brain off for a short period of time and just absorb the cheesy awful of Revolution. Yeah, the dialogue is perhaps the worst that I've ever seen in a show of this scope, and on the whole I find it entirely devoid of personality or style, but yeah, I'm not minding it. I still wouldn't worry too much if it was cancelled, but I'm still planning to get through it. 

I wonder if my sudden lack of derision stems from my slow acceptance of Charlie as a protagonist. At the moment I still think Miles is depressing in his horrible conception and portrayal, but Tracy Spiridakos proved herself worthy tonight, depicting her character's grief and desperation, as well as kindness and fear all with realism and ability. Sure, it was standard TV emotions, i.e. over-the-mountain-top, incapacitating outpourings, but she did them well. 

The group learns early on that they are approaching Danny's captors, garnering information from a militant at a way station that his convoy passed through only the day before. This gives them incentive to move just a bit faster, as while they are catching up, they are also nearing his apparent destination. First though, the two halves of the pack convene in Lowell, having spent two weeks apart since their division in 'Chained Heat'. Once darkness falls, the group is attacked by a pack of hungry and wild dogs, who chase them through the city ruins and nearly tear Aaron's leg off. In order to save his life, Maggie kills the offending canine with a crossbow.

Aaron's absolutely fine though, despite clearly needing medical attention. He's well enough to walk the next morning at least. Ug, this show. Anyway, as they stroll through an abandoned amusement park, who should they confront but fucking Nate, who Miles is able to disarm. Charlie convinces him not to kill the dickwad for some reason, apparently for information. Whatever Charlie, I bet you're just going to sodomise the prisoner when no one's looking. Whore.

The dogs attack again, sending them all scampering into a diner for safety, only they lose Maggie in the process. No, she isn't killed by wild dogs, God, this is primetime, general masses-style television. No one's getting torn apart. Maggie is instead seized by their owner, who, rather than have his animals do his business, he'd rather do it himself, trying his hardest to jam his knife into her eye socket. She's too strong though, and she manages to deflect him long enough for him to settle on a simple leg stab instead, before running off when Miles turns up. 

Of course Maggie dies, but not before a long period of time is wasted trying to save her. Miles and Nora go off to try and track down the crazed dog man while Charlie and Aaron work their hardest to save the woman. Unfortunately, Charlie is grabbed while gathering supplies and dragged off into his creepy bad-guy lair, where he gives an insane monologue to his new prisoner. Not insane in a good way, insane in a clichéd, 'you remind me of my dead daughter' way. I didn't even cringe or shudder. It wasn't very interesting. 

I did cringe briefly as he set up a crossbow to fire right between Charlie's eyes when the door is opened though, clearly anticipating her rescue party to arrive shortly. Miles brings Nate with him this time, leaving Nora to help conduct the surgery on Maggie's leg, who is suffering from a severed artery. That's a good prognosis right here...

Crazy man is easily killed by Nate and Miles, but they come within centimetres of taking Charlie out as well, but lucky for them she's managed to loosen the chair she's sitting on and rock it out of the arrow's path. I admit though, I kind of wanted to see her get it in the brain. It would have been a gutsy move... Alas...

They return her to the diner where Nora and Aaron complete the surgery on Maggie, but sadly she's lost too much blood and dies after informing Charlie that she saved her. There's a whole long story here that was told through flashbacks - Maggie got stuck in the US, tried getting home for years, gave up and tried to kill herself, saved by Ben - but it is rendered so utterly pointless by her death I can't be bothered going into details. Regardless, I was depressed by the loss of this character, if only because of Charlie's desperate pleas as she died. I was a little put off that she died like so many other TV characters die; quickly. I'm not saying torture her, but they always just imply that the death of someone from blood loss just happens. No, you lose consciousness first, often a few minutes or more before you actually die. Did they even check her pulse? 

I'm angry now. 

The world's worst character - Danny - continues his really bizarre run of expert skills, this time predicting the arrival of a tornado. He convinces the convoy to pull into a shed while the storm passes, but is able to distract them with a wayward horse while he makes a run for it, only to be apprehended by Captain Neville and dragged into the basement. The two get to talking down there, with Neville likening himself to Ben Matheson, much to Danny's chagrin. He gets his small victory though, as Neville ends up trapped under a collapsed ceiling, a heavy range top only inches away from crashing down and crushing the captain. Danny's an idiot though, and he saves him only to get handcuffed and led away again. God you people suck. Giancarlo Esposito gives a heck of a performance, easily delivering the awful dialogue with thrilling and chilling mastery. I don't think I've really heaped praise on this guy enough yet, but I'm young and can't quite place him in anything before this. Nonetheless he's fantastic, and you people need to inform me of where I can find more of him. It was like torture though, watching him act circles around Graham Rogers, who I think needs to be axed. Seriously.

My other favourite actor on this show? Elizabeth Mitchell. The mum if you were wondering. No, not the dead one, the dead one that isn't dead, the one that Monroe is holding prisoner. It probably just stems from my Lost love (ha!), but I know for a fact that she can really bring it to the table performance-wise, and she definitely hinted at her underlying abilities at moments tonight. Notably, when Monroe came in to her beautiful prison to tell her that despite her strong will in torture - yeah she was tortured, wanna fight about it? - she would be a horrible mother if she could withstand Danny's torture. Rachel Matheson was absolutely shattered, but she couldn't show weakness to her captor, choosing to act with a cold, passive-aggressive stance that is highly reminiscent of Juliet Burke. 

Through flashbacks, we see Rachel leaving her children for the apparent last time and turning herself into the hands of the militia, this time led by none other than Miles himself. And I'm supposed to be surprised?

I find the flashbacks a tad tiresome. They aren't adding anything to the story really, we are just watching events we already knew happened. Hell, watch Lost for some great flashbacks, or even freaking 'The Walking Dead'. You need to know when and where to place them, you can't just chuck them about and expect people to care. I sure don't, not now that I know I can still see Elizabeth Mitchell in the normal timeline. 

I don't know if I can like this show while Miles is here and while the dialogue is this heartless. There are just so many little things wrong, I can't believe that this is produced by JJ Abrams. Often when I watch television shows, I think to myself how could I write something like this, but I'm almost viewing this show as a lesson in how NOT to write television. Yeah, it's beginning to intrigue me, but that fact is making me sadder than Maggie's death every could have. You could have introduced me to some of these people before you start killing them. DID MAGGIE EVEN HAVE A SURNAME? 

'You'd Be Surprised' - Boardwalk Empire, Season Three

Boardwalk Empire

Season Three

Episode Five

'You'd Be Surprised' - 6.0

I sincerely wish he was singing 'Nathan' by Azealia Banks right now. Chalky and Purnsley would loooove that. 

Other than the an explosive massacre towards its conclusion, 'You'd Be Surprised' was largely an uneventful and dragging affair, featuring Nucky dealing with his romantic relationships, Margaret setting up her health clinic and Gillian facing money problems at the whore house. As usual though, the less action packed moments are still held together by the typical acting standard and the impeccable aesthetics of Boardwalk Empire.

Gyp Rosetti is getting stranger and stranger with every passing episode, though I'm not quite sure that he needed to be THIS bizarre, appearing in the first scene violently masturbating while a woman strangles him with a belt. Erotic asphyxiation is kind of different I guess, but it feels like the show's tacked it on to make Rosetti more perverse and unlikeable, even though he's just pretty awesome. Ok, I was admittedly a bit phased by this sudden foible, but on the whole it has little effect on the character itself, rather it points a finger at the integrity of the writers. Was this just to shock us? Probably. 

Rothstein and Nucky are at odds over the massacre that saw out 'Blue Bell Boy', as once again it has left Rothstein devoid of the liquor that he was promised. It's a bit unfortunate for Nucky, who has lost a whole convoy of men, trucks and alcohol, but now his biggest contributor is threatening to pull the plug. Michael Stuhlbarg and Steve Buscemi actually looked to be having a hilariously fun time digging into each other's characters, with the two kingpins pretty much regressing to childish name calling and yelling, while Owen Sleater and Lucky Luciano wait awkwardly in the adjacent room. We don't hear much of what goes on, but we know it doesn't sound good, even if it almost amusingly over-the-top.

Back at home, things aren't much better for Nucky when Margaret comes across him and his new girl, Billie, while they are out dress shopping at Madame Jeunet's. Margaret had been handing out flyers for her women's health clinic which has been somewhat floundering now that it's started, and she had come to Jeunet to ask her to give out the flyers from the store, only for the French woman to try and shoo her out in the most polite - but least subtle - way possible. It's all in vain though, because Nucky comes strolling out holding a prospective garment for Billie, who then follows him into Margaret's view wearing only her - quite unrevealing - underwear. I'd expected Nucky's current wife to say some brilliant quip that she's so known for making, but in the end she just offered her husband's new girl one of her flyers and implies she'll be too busy committing adultery to attend. A bit of a wasted opportunity if you ask me.

Over in Van Alden land, he's receiving cryptic communications from that prohi who let him off last week. In a scene as unintentionally farcical as Rothstein and Nucky's shouting match, the agent arrives in his home, causing both of the Muellers to worry that the jig is up. Nelson forces Sigrid to leave the room as he prepares to face the music, only for the agent to merely chastise him for selling a faulty iron a few weeks prior, explaining exactly how the two had met before. A second later, Sigrid rams him over the head a few times, much to Van Alden's shock and to our amusement. Nelson and Sigrid then decide the only way out is to finish the job, with the poor guy being suffocated by Nelson's handkerchief while Sigrid dutifully holds his legs down. Next thing we know, Van Alden's gone back to the florist who offered him a gangster job, for help disposing of the body. Was it me, or was this whole thing oddly comical? I mean, it's Van Alden, who was always too disturbingly bizarre to be taken without a grain of salt, but he and his wife barely batted an eyelid while suffocating that man. Weird? Just a little.

I honestly didn't care about Gillian's financial problems at her new brothel, so at first I was curious as to why exactly we had to go into them so much. Turns out that Mrs. Darmody seems to legitimately believe that her son has simply run off somewhere, and she writes him at one point to beg him to return to her. It is a really quite depressing moment, and a testament to the often under-used Gretchen Mol, who's only appeared in three of the five episodes so far. 

Let's be honest here; did anyone understand what the hell was going on with that tribunal thing? I got that 'Melon' was the secretary for the bureau of Internal Revenue, but what were they talking about? Somehow Harry Daugherty got mentioned, a name I'm sure I've heard before but can't quite place, and his name set off alarm bells for Gaston Means, aka the crazy guy who hid from the people he was collecting money from. Means reports to some guy I've definitely seen before, but I don't really think who he is matters. Rather, the fact that Means gives him some useful advice; making a high-profile arrest is the only way out of facing the committee under suspicion of corruption; will surely be important later. Who will get arrested?

In the night's most who-gives-a-fuck storyline, Margaret warns Nucky that Billie Kent doesn't need 'rescuing', and is therefore not the type of girl he'll stay with. He deflects this, but it becomes apparent throughout the episode that he's trying to help her anyway, as her stage show is failing pretty badly. Nucky believes it is because of a badly cast male lead in the show, titled 'The Naughty Virgin' in a humorously awful attempt at subtlety - and knowingly so. Anyway, he tries to convince Eddie Cantor to take the role, finally giving Stephen DeRosa a chance to stretch out the marvelous adaption of the famous performer, and do something other than sing and joke. Cantor can't take the job due to contractual obligations to another show, but Nucky sends in Chalky White and Mr. Dunn Purnsley to his home to catch a show, providing the most wonderfully awkward spectacle I've ever seen, as Cantor attempts to satisfy the two men with one of his trademark songs only to have them stare blankly at him in complete silence. Once again, it was just that slightest bit funny, which is maybe the theme tonight. In the end, Cantor gives up and tells the two that he'll do Billie's show. He doesn't take it with glee however, and when he prepares to take the stage with her he turns to her and asks her if she's aware of Lucy Danziger, which of course she isn't. In a line as cruel as the one I wish Margaret made earlier, he warns her that 'the next one won't know a thing about you either'.

The best scene of the night belonged to Gyp Rosetti, who is rudely interrupted while enjoying another oxygen-depraved (ha! see what I did there?) tryst when that annoying kid who works for Meyer Lansky bursts in and takes out a whole bunch of his men, before breaking into the bedroom and taking a few shots at Gyp himself. Gyp's a nice guy though, so he uses his trick to block the shots, killing her while he struggles to undo the belt from the bed before grabbing his gun and returning fire. He's too late though, and the shooter escapes while he walks through the carnage entirely - and I mean entirely - naked, with all of himself on display. Very brave, Bobbie Cannavale, full nudity isn't particularly common on television, especially while completely coated in blood and surrounded by dead bodies.

The scene after shows that Nucky and Rothstein had handled their tiff, and that he'd organised the shooting in an attempt to take out Gyp Rosetti - duh. Anyway, at least we know these two aren't at odds so much anymore, I don't mind Rothstein.

So, other than that penultimate montage of fetishist sex and a four-fatality-filled-shoot-out, the whole episode was a little dull. The strange additions of awkward humour either flew over my head or completely threw me off, so I'd have to ask that they not pull that creepy weird shit again, because I was slowly considering backing away from the television. Luckily the episode ended before it got that far, but maybe not next time. Boardwalk Empire isn't the place for hilarity, it's supposed to be more like an epic prohibition-drama. There isn't that much room for comedy, especially farcical or just awkward situations. They're just... a bit much. Other than the violent or the bizarre, the majority of 'You'd Be Surprised' was just uninteresting. I'm not sure why we had so much build-up to Van Alden having to kill the prohi, he could have just showed up at his house. Likewise, why did Nucky have to try and reason with Cantor first? Couldn't he have just sent Chalky and Purnsley over in the first place? Also, why was Gillian's short, pointedly sentimental storyline split up the way it was, it could have been only one scene. 

I guess in the end, 'You'd be Surprised' did what the title said it would, and I was at the very least bewildered by the shooting at Tabor Heights, but there was so much dead weight just hanging around - in character and scene senses - that I just want this season to pick things up and get into it, which it surely will now that Rosetti should be on the warpath. 

'Nights in Ballygran' - Boardwalk Empire, Season One

Boardwalk Empire

Season One

Episode Five

‘Nights in Ballygran’ – 7.5

Nucky is clearly the catch of the day for Margaret Schroeder.

Once again, Boardwalk Empire gives us yet another character-based episode with little plot development, as well as the nullifying of Jimmy’s current progress by the death of Pearl. Characterisation is great and all, but I’m getting a little tired of it. I would like to see something more than the constant reaffirming of personality traits in characters we know by now. I get it.

The most important plot point is the completely random hook-up between Nucky and Margaret at the conclusion of the episode. I can’t for the life of me find where it came from, but I can see that it was hinted at since the pilot. Margaret is the first main character we see tonight, as she is awoken early in the morning by a delivery of barrels of liquor just behind her home. St. Patrick’s Day is coming, we learn soon enough, and Atlantic City is preparing for one of the most liquor-filled days of the year.

That morning, Margaret comes to see Nucky with a loaf of bread as a birthday gift, but she is offended when he simply shrugs her off. After she throws the bread out in disgust, she later visits the man again with that woman from the Temperance League, this time to order that something be done about the liquor near Margaret’s, and Nucky pretends to care about the situation. While Mrs. Temperance league is satisfied, Margaret notices something’s off when Nucky lies about receiving her bread.

That night, with St. Patrick’s day the day after tomorrow, Margaret is once again disturbed by the continued delivery of alcohol behind her home, this time leaving her bed to confront the criminals. She realises she has met the man overseeing the operation before, recognising him as Mr. Neary who came to her house and offered her the job at La Belle Femme in ‘Broadway Limited’. The next morning she once again returns to Nucky’s office, only to find Neary himself there as well, before she is knowingly brushed off by Nucky. Pissed off, Margaret rips up the negligee she stole – why? I don’t really know. Maybe she stole it for Nucky? – then turns Mr. Neary into Agent Van Alden.

Meanwhile Nucky prepares for the St. Patrick’s Day Eve Celtic Festival, a process that involves organising green beer (that which is stored at the garage behind Margaret’s house), stopping a leprechaun strike and dealing with a growingly dissentful brother. It all turns out fine, however, until Margaret’s confession to Van Alden results in him crashing the party and arresting Mr. Neary right then and there, as the Temperance League pickets outside waiting for the diners to leave. From the steps, Nucky is able to see Margaret standing amongst the protesting women, and later that night comes to visit her in her home. After a brief moment of awkward conversation, the two begin making out as he pushes her against the wall and pulls her dress over her hips. Ok then, because that was the most romantic couple of days for them. I swear her husband only died like two, three weeks ago...

Over in Chicago, Jimmy lovingly nurses a disheartened and disfigured Pearl, who spends almost all her time doped out on opium. The scenes between the two of these characters were very sweet, though the manner in which Pearl was introduced almost necessitated her death, which occurs later in ‘Nights in Ballygran’. After asking for a brilliantly delivered story from Jimmy, Pearl takes his gun and commits suicide while he’s out of the room. The suspense sequence, where Jimmy is in the bathroom doing some humdrum activity, while we wait anxiously knowing that Pearl was about to go out with bang was exactly what is was supposed to be – tense, but still providing us with a shock when it actually happens. Both Emily Meade, who was Pearl, and Michael Pitt are utterly faultless in their respective portrayals of differing types of grief, but it was Jimmy’s final story to the prostitute that was the finest of many fine scenes. While the words were largely uninteresting, Pitt’s delivery was mesmerising, the emotions both understated and glaringly moving. I’d like to say the show needs more of these kinds of moments, but there are probably just enough right now. Anymore and I’d start getting a bit tired, but this one was a blessing.

Little else really happens in the episode; Gillian proves she’s a bit of a socially-inept nutcase when she basically asks Angela to move out and give her Tommy, but it was a slightly amusing conversation. Mr. Rothstein is coming to grief over his fixing of the World Series a couple of months prior, something I know will probably become more important as the show goes on. I’m not American, but I aware of the scandal. It’s intriguing stuff, I might consider it one day.

So that is ‘Nights in Ballygran’, another episode devoted entirely to the development of already complex and realist characters, and while the acting is fantastic as usual and the script is an inspiring work of art (honourable mention to Margaret’s line to Van Alden: ‘I’ve been lectured to a great deal today by men who speak boldly and do nothing’), but it falters in its retreading of tired plot points and a increasingly more taxing and dreary tone.

Fail Whale

Just so everyone knows, the blog here has an official Twitter that you can follow; @WhateverHH with which I've followed a whole heap of people related to the shows I write about, so if you're into the Vampire Diaries, 666 Park Avenue, Revolution, Fringe, any of them, then look no further. You might also get a glimpse of some cancelled or finished shows that I intend on reviewing in the months to come. So yeah, get one that. Follow it up.

'In Absentia' - Fringe, Season Five

Fringe

Season Five

Episode Two

‘In Absentia’ – 6.0

You'd think the Observers would choose a harder to counterfeit method of discerning loyalists from Natives than tattoos

Once again, Fringe Season Five opens with the arrival of the Observers sometime in the mid-2010s, tearing Henrietta out of Olivia and Peter’s grasps before they even realise she’s gone, then somehow injuring Olivia. This time, however, we don’t get Peter’s warped and out-of-sync perspective, instead getting the much more linear and followable memory from Olivia, but it is just as affecting and just as shocking, despite us already knowing the rough story before we even saw it the first time.

So far, I am definitely enjoying this epic tonal shift to 2036, and though this second episode is not as strong as the premiere, there is that sense of hope and the struggle of this fight that holds the entire thing together. I’m looking forward to more references to the past, as there hasn’t actually been that much that ties this new story to the old ones, other than the Observers of course, but I’m sure that will come in time. Perhaps the coretexiphan kids can do something together.

In an attempt to try and help Walter recall his plan the group uses the steam tunnels to access the old Harvard lab, which has been commandeered by Observers. They find it ambered, but the presence of a video camera suggests that it was Walter himself who encased it, wishing to protect what was on the tape. Unfortunately the amber is too thick to access using the device that extracted our characters, and they need to cut it out first. This requires turning the power back on, a task that can only be done by reactivating the generator in the science building.

Lucky for them, a guard happens to walk in, falling into the hands of our heroes. Henrietta opts to interrogate him using a disturbing device that ages someone a couple years in only a few seconds, which was apparently used to prep the Observers before time travelling. Ok, then. Anyway, the man eventually helps them after receiving some kinder treatment from Olivia, who agrees to tell his son when the resistance kills him.

Peter and Henrietta infiltrate the Observer’s base to find it is a research laboratory, and during the brief but disconcerting walk through the corridor of creepy-ass experimentation, Etta comes across the severed but animated head of former colleague and martyr, Agent Foster. Looks like he’s not coming back anytime soon.

They turn the power on and return to their lab where Walter and Astrid have begun extracting the video camera, while Etta storms off in an angry, aggrieved state of mind. Olivia tries to calm her down, only to find her ‘hardened’ daughter correctly accusing the guard of lying about having a son, as he only wanted to gain Olivia’s favour. Nonetheless, the man gives her an address to go to, so I have no idea what was going on there.

Even though he’s a liar and a loyalist, Etta ends up letting her mother’s morals stand in her way, allowing the guard to leave her custody alive, videoing his escape and sending it to Olivia, who is glad to receive it. It’s all well and good that Etta turned out to be someone who values human life – even if they are the other side – but I find it annoying that main characters are always undeniably good. Ok, always is a definite generalisation, but you get the point. Even the ones that are supposedly evil, the second they join our team their humanity starts to show, while the baddies are almost always just that, without any indication of morality. I understand why the Observers are like that, but it’s just a statement about television in general.

Eventually the group is able to get their hands on the tape, and from it they learn that Walter had in fact described the entire plan over the course of many tapes, which he has hidden. I didn’t hear any indication of where they may be, but I’m sure there’s something that we haven’t seen, or maybe Walter knows if he looks deep enough. I’m just happy the team has a definite direction to head in, even if it’s a glorified scavenger hunt. They can be fun, i.e ‘National Treasure’, which I thoroughly enjoyed.

Apart from this sense of morality that always hits network television shows in the arse, I am definitely finding a lot of things to love about this bleak world, and although we don’t know the full story yet I am beginning to get used to the strangeness of a complete shift in narrative. I hope to see Blair Brown soon, as well as Leonard Nimoy – though I probably wouldn’t bet on the latter – but I also don’t want the show to find some bogus reason to get them in on the game. Hell, I would also love to see the alternate universe again, but I also think that ‘Worlds Apart’ was the perfect send-off. Damn I’m conflicted. Anyway, there are only thirteen episodes in this season, and with two down we are now effectively in at the end of the first half of a full season, meaning the plot line should be hitting a climax right about now. Boom, yo.

Yeah, I am aware of the generalisation there as well. You don’t have to tell me.