'Pilot' - The Vampire Diaries, Season One

The Vampire Diaries
Season One
Episode One
'Pilot' - 2.5

That's Nina Dobrev pondering what show she'll try out for once this pilot is dropped in the waste basket.

I admit the Vampire Diaries is a bit of a guilty pleasure. No one really referred it to me, but since my obsession with TV in general often led me to online forums discussing television and such, I'd heard many a person speak highly of the show. I'll be honest by saying I did eventually come to enjoy it, but this first episode is definitely not the reason why. Hell, in my years of watching TV this is one of the worst pilots I've ever seen.

First of all, could the characters be anymore stereotypical? Name one who isn't something out of every high-school set-drama; Caroline, the nosy, whiny, wannabe bitch-whore, Bonnie, the perfect best friend who only ever does the right thing, Jeremy, the rebellious emo who does drugs but feels bad about it, Vicki, the crack whore with zero self confidence, Tyler, the studly douchebag and Matt, the cutesy, love-sick jock ex-boyfriend. OH GOD, so many clichés my head wants to run away! Even Elena, who is just each and every female protagonist ever - she's lost her parents as well! Why do main characters seem to need parental issues or be orphans? Is it more relatable? Don't get me started on the loving brothers Damon and Stefan, whose only roles this episode are to look pretty and act mysterious. Stefan is clearly a moralistic, non-predatory vampire while Damon is the bad-influence, the evil, all powerful one. Right, cause I've never seen that before in a vampire show.

Remember, before TVD fans start tearing me to little chunks, that I'm only reviewing episode one, and I'm trying to blank the rest of the series out for now. I know the characters get better, but I'm trying to look at it as if I've only watched this and it is all I have to go on. So cool down...

Now, what's the next problem? Oh yeah, nothing actually happens. Fucking Vicki is bit at some point, but no one likes Vicki. In fact, I was kinda hoping she'd just die and Jeremy would stop being so pathetic and knight-in-shining-armour-y. At this stage in the show, I think it would have been the best option for him. The two of them are really the worst right now, and everything would have been a million times more awesome if Damon had just killed them both. Sure, Elena would be heartbroken, but conflict is always good in a television show; which is kinda the problem here. Elena meets Stefan, mopes about her dead parents then finds Vicki in the forest and goes home. That is all that happens, and it is the most boring and pointless way to introduce us to one of the protagonists of the show.

I guess that leads me to the big issue here - the writing is absolutely atrocious. The only other show I've watched by Kevin Williamson (that I know of) is The Secret Circle, and that also had a big writing problem. Heck, that was only interesting when Faye (Phoebe Tonkin) was on screen. Here, there isn't even a Faye. All the characters are bland, all the dialogue is bland, there is no conflict and everything comes back to high school-drama clichés. What's worse is that Williamson seems desperate to put in some jokes every now and again, but everyone of them falls completely flat - this may be the girl who plays Bonnie's fault - and that makes me sad. And not in a good, great character death-sad, just exhausted sad. It is trying so hard - too hard - and failing not-so-spectacularly.

I've voiced my complaints about the episode before, and received a typically close-minded response from whoever I was talking to - 'Oh, you obviously weren't paying attention', 'but the acting's so good!' (bullshit), 'Paul Wesley and Ian Somerhalder are so hot though!', 'You clearly didn't get it.' - and guess what; go suck a lemon. You loved it? YOU clearly don't understand what good television is. Not this. You may question why I kept watching, and that's fair. To be frank, I wouldn't have, but so many good reviews about the show convinced me to buy, rather than borrow, the DVD, thus I had twenty-something more episodes that I could watch or I could let go to waste. I luckily chose to give them a go.

Perhaps it's because I'm male. Is that it? Hot guys don't equal a high-quality show for me. It's just not how I view television. Likewise, a hot girl doesn't quite cut it either. No, the shows I watch have substance - fantastic characters, a thrilling plot, brilliant visuals, something - and this horrid pilot lacks any of the sort. This is, quite plainly, a high school-romance drama with a couple of boring vampires who don't do much other than bicker like school girls.

So, why is the rating 2.5 instead of zero? Well, because some of the performances are OK. I can't say terrible or fantastic - there is no specific moment where any actor actually gets to act properly, but Nina Dobrev, Paul Wesley and whoever plays Vicki Donovan did alright with what they were given. Everyone else either sucked serious ass at what they had, or didn't get a chance to fight or fail. Also, it was clear that a lot of work had gone into some of it. For example, the opening sequence with the attack on the couple - a horror cliché to rule them all and not scary in the slightest - was pretty well shot, and the boy and girl did fearful-but-obviously-gonna-die as best they could. The all-too-brief fight scene between the vampire brothers was also choreographed excellently, except it was over in about a minute with no real purpose or lasting result. Ah, oh well. Some parts were fine enough, but this pilot is simply not my idea of a good time.