'Diabolical' - 666 Park Avenue, Season One

666 Park Avenue

Season One

Episode Six

'Diabolical' - 7.5

For four episodes there, this is kind of what 666 Park Avenue reminded me of. Are they being ironic?

After the wrath of Hurricane Sandy laid waste to the sets of the newest horror drama, the future of 666 Park Avenue is looking as bleak as the realm Gavin sends his traitorous colleague into - before decapitating him and delivering the head to his enemy. Honestly though, that would just make me sad, as 'Diabolical' actually brought the show that little step closer to actually proving that it is a GOOD show. There weren't any chills or any surprises, but there was a bit of suspense, some nice developments and a little acting magic that combined to make the episode almost as fun as last week's jarringly enjoyable instalment.

Much like American Horror Story, 666 Park Avenue is a loving testament to the horror movies of old, presenting the cold open as a pointless, but quite adequate redo of the famous Psycho shower scene. I was appreciative of the shot showing the slightly obscured axe-wielding psychopath moving towards Jane in the reflection of a shaving mirror, it was well done. We got a very similar sequence to that of the Psycho murder, if slightly stream-lined, and I was definitely impressed. The not-so-long-ago remake of the 1960 masterpiece showed that faithful frame-by-frame remakes kind of suck, so the beautiful montage that opening 'Diabolical' was a much more affectionate and praise-worthy. Even I can simply reshoot Psycho. 

I called it when I said that tonight would feature Jane's sanity coming into serious question, but I didn't realise the exact extent that that would go to. In just one episode she seems to lose Henry, gain a friend in a trusting and open-minded copper as well as discover her links to the ill-fated family from 1929. Turns out the little girl is her grandmother, which is no shock at all. In fact, I kind of assumed she worked that out a few episodes ago.

For Jane though, her storyline was improved by one thing; Rachel Taylor. For the first REAL time (screaming doesn't count) I can see why she was cast as the lead; she was damn good with Dave Annable as the two really fought and Henry eventually walked out. It had clearly been where the episode had been heading, and people outside of the relationship had been either intentionally or accidentally turning our heroes against each other. Henry's new advisor Laurel Harris worries that Jane will not be able to understand his ambitions, while one of the  detectives investigating the attempt on Jane sows seeds of doubt in her boyfriend's mind. This is of course aided by the fact that the Drake has hidden all evidence that the crime occurred, with even the dumbwaiter being made to look unusable. 

The theft of Gavin's box is handled as well as I hoped it would be, with the contents being hinted at being the soul of Olivia's abusive former lover. It isn't confirmed or anything though, all we know is that whatever is inside like sucked the essence out of the first guy who opened it, forcing the real big bad - Victor Shaw, one of Gavin's former victims I believe - to burn the resulting catatonic body, just as its eyes go funky. There is something very mysterious inside the box, something very powerful and very evil, and I am definitely excited to discover just what it is; if the show isn't axed.

The unfortunate fate of Gavin's colleague was enjoyable, with his soul at first doomed to traverse the never ending corridors of some hellish realm before Gavin simply shows up and cuts his head off, presenting it to Shaw as some warning. Honestly if I was the director I wouldn't have shown what was exactly in the gift box presented to the villain, because it was damn obvious. I guess that Shaw's reaction was worth it though, as all he did was give a very sly, confident smile as he looked at his co-conspirator's severed head. Very suitably creepy, and Nick Chinlund is very effective in the role, even if he is playing a typical, powerful and cold foil. He's still cool.

Perhaps the improvement in quality stemmed from the complete lack of Brian, Louise and Alexis, and the story managed to be more focused, with the main plots concerning only Jane and Gavin. Louise's dodgy doctor pal also gets some scenes to himself as he too falls prey to the Drake's conniving landlord and takes a $50,000 loan which he immediately squanders on a gambling habit. Unnecessary? Definitely, but he's forced allegiance to Gavin did put an old player back in the game, with Kandinsky apparently being freed by the manipulated doctor to help with Victor Shaw. This could be great, considering how unpredictable the Soviet maniac is.

So in the end 'Diabolical' didn't actually cause any sudden changes or make me shocked, as it was really an in-between episode that is sure to set up many massive plot developments down the line. Kandinsky's return will have violent implications for everyone, I'm sure, and now that we've met the perpetrator between the last episode's shenanigans Shaw will probably bring all kinds of hell down on the Drake, but I'm honestly more excited to see Gavin retaliating. He's already locked some guy in an eternal prison then chopped his head off, as well as releasing an unstoppable psychopath. Fun! 

'A Crowd of Demons' - 666 Park Avenue, Episode Five

666 Park Avenue

Season One

Episode Five

'A Crowd of Demons' - 8.0

Admit it Jane: You loved being chased by an axe murderer just as much as we loved watching it.

Can anyone else agree when I say that that episode was a hilariously fun instalment of this drama? Hell, I could probably bare to call it a horror drama after that, since we got kidnappings, black outs, axe murders, slasher-flick-style pursuits and even a dumbwaiter escape! Was I the only one who got vibes of 'Halloween: H20' during the latter sequence? I was groaning during that bit; I thought Jane might get her leg torn off like that unfortunate victim of Michael Myers.

But we aren't here to talk about the Halloween series, or any films series for that matter. We're here to talk about 'A Crowd of Demons', the fifth episode of 666 Park Avenue and their inarguably best offering yet. To be simple about it, the reason it topped the others was that it had one basic component they lacked; fear. 

It is of course the Halloween episode, and the Drake celebrates in typical fashion by holding an extravagant costumed bonanza ripe for the guests’ worst horrors to come true. Even Gavin gets preyed upon by the gods of horror tropes, and it was good to see the Terry O'Quinn character cowering in his boots as some gas masked kidnapper stole from him and abducted his dear wife. 

Before we get to the great let's get to the low standard; Brian and Louise. I get that Alexis is evil and such, but Robert Buckley has still failed to provide either an interesting or relatable character, which actually makes me root for the vixen to work her slutty magic. Instead of just killing people - though I did wonder if she was in some sort of cahoots with the power cutting, Olivia-kidnapping baddie who was terrorising Gavin - Alexis opts to attempt some convoluted plot to get her STD-ridden fingers into her boss' husband. It involves Louise and a man she may-or-may-not be fucking being given the chance to be alone while she rigs up their phones with incriminating – but misleading – evidence of an adulterous affair. Brian being the stupid playwright that he is, chooses to not trust his own wife while falling into Alexis' less-than-cunning rouse. Is she even supernatural, or is just tacked on to... to... Ok, what the hell is the purpose of this? Seriously!

It's Jane's terrified - and terrifying - run through the Drake that steals the show tonight, as she is unendingly chased through dark corridors and abandoned storeys by an axe-wielding murderer from over eighty years ago. Turns out the little girl and the man-that-is-smoke are daughter and father, and that the said father murdered the mother in 1929 - on Halloween, of course - and has come to finish off his family. I  think? Anyway, the little girl's necklace turned out to be Jane's grandmother's, which perhaps indicates that Jane has more ties to the Drake than she thought she did. They always do.

There were many moments of anticipating silence as Jane walks backwards through dark doorways after hearing the creaks of an approaching serial killer, as well as the many 'THERE HE IS!!!' moments as he appears out of the black, his axe held high above his head. Hell, he actually claims a victim during the chase when an unfortunate good Samaritan stands between him and his target, with the poor guy getting a fast axe to the back before being left to bleed out on the carpet. Damn, I'd hate to be the cleaner in this building.

I'm hard pressed to decide what was more scary; Jane's tense evasion, or the initial, cold-open murder. In the latter, we see the 1929 incident in which our present killer drew an axe and took a nice shot at his wife, who is able to stumble bloodily into her daughter's room and present her with the plot-device necklace. For a second it looked like it was going to be epically violent, as from the daughter’s under-the-bed-perspective we can only see the dying mother's feet at first, as they get dripped upon by her blood. I was actually disappointed when she bent down, showing only a healthy coating of fake blood instead of intestines or only half a face. Oh well, maybe next time.

For that reason alone I'd probably have to go for Jane as the receiver for tonight's coveted Scariest Scene award, namely for the dumbwaiter moment. The clear horror-movie-virgin runs loudly and clumsily through a darkened and abandoned corridor somewhere in the Drake, knowingly on the run from her would-be killer, finding the only method of escape being a dumbwaiter. She hops in hopefully, pulling herself up with the rope inside as the bad guy starts trying every door around. Eventually he goes quiet enough to hear Jane's very audible grunting as she struggles with lifting her own weight. He proceeds to wham the axe's blade through the rope and bring the little box down to him again, but thankfully our heroine's escaped just in time to avoid both spontaneous leg amputation and falling into the killer’s trap. 

It's not over yet though, as he follows her into the very apartment in which he committed the acts so many decades prior, lunging at her with his axe only to imbed it in the wall instead. I was immensely elated to see that the crazy birds from 'Murmurations' were appearing again, as the big hole in the wall heralds the arrival of hundreds of the devils, who all embrace our psychopath in a sea of black wings and pecking beaks while Jane runs away. 

With the action over, the building eats the evidence of the attacks, absorbing both the axe and the body of the killer's unintended victim. This will surely lead to some definite questionable sanity scenes over the coming episodes for young Jane, and this entire show has been based on the horrors of old so we can't go without the sane/insane exploration. Halloween, the Birds, where else can we go? Hopefully the Exorcist will be soon. And hell, this whole thing is leading towards the Shining. 

While I didn't quite grasp the significance of the subplot, Gavin is confronted by a mystery individual who wants to prove to him that he isn't 'invincible' or something. Anyway, it may have just been an excuse to kill a flock of birds with one convoluted stone, as the stranger cuts the power in the Drake which plants Louise with her supposed lover and puts Jane square in the middle of several horror-movie-dark sets, while also showing that the Drake's doorman can survive being hanged (though an oddly small amount of attention was given to this) and allowing an enigmatic box of Gavin's to be stolen from his hidden safe. Intriguing... But - as surely the writers and producers want us to ask - what is in the box?

We end this stellar - for this show - episode with a rock-infused reflection on the chaos that just happened, and Jane's effective loss of innocence. Before now she's been an observer of the horrors, but now they not only surround her but involve her, and she can no longer brush them off to nothing. She recognised her attacker from a photo in an article about the original murders, as well as showing a hint of recognition at the name. Jane is entirely aware that something is off here, and unless the writers suck major ass she'll hopefully confront the evil head on. 

Also, despite Nona's absence from the entire proceedings, don't discount her involvement. If I remember correctly, she'd foretold Jane's death by axe-attack whilst she was wearing her brilliant red dress, meaning something has changed that allowed our female protagonist to go on kicking. But what changed? Or will it still happen in some way? 

For once, the acting was never grating. Rachel Taylor was even good playing the near-slasher victim, and though she runs screaming through a building in a pretty dress she never actually loses that sense of strength and ability that Jane often emits. This is hopefully the beginning of my appreciation for the character, and not a simple one-off 'Oh she's alright' moment. It depends on how well she can handle the coming episodes of jeopardised sanity. Let's be honest; dying by axe is an easy emotion to portray. I can do it too. I just really want to like her though;  she is an Aussie after all.

With the box stolen and an enemy for our enemy, 666 Park Avenue appears to have forsaken it's very temporary monster-of-the-week format to embrace the serialised manner of a real horror series, as well as the actual scares of a real horror too. For the first time I am excited, like really excited, to sit down next Monday night for the sixth instalment and find out how Jane handles what she's just experienced, as well as how Gavin deals with his new nemesis. Of course, what is in the box is important too, and whether tonight's killer will make a reappearance, but for now, and god-willing until the show calls it a day, I care more about the characters. 

'The Dead Don't Stay Dead' - 666 Park Avenue, Season One

666 Park Avenue

Season One

Episode Three

'The Dead Don't Stay Dead' - 2.5

Has anyone noticed that squash is by far the scariest sport ever? No, me neither. 

There was only one scene tonight that even came close to giving me the heebie-jeebies, with the vast majority of this so-so horror drama leaving me a little... well, bored. As shows like The Walking Dead tell us, horror is a genre oddly fit for character exploration, but so far 666 Park Avenue has presented uninteresting or run-of-the-mill pawns in its winding tale; that will clearly devolve into some morality thing.

I'm not quite hating it yet, there is something about it that hints that the writers are both going somewhere and actually trying, but there is this deadness to it all that I can't avoid. There's no irony, no humour, no real emotion. The actors are asked to walk around and be normal, yet I want to see them screaming and, well, torn apart. Yeah, secondary characters die, but so far no one who's been here more than one episode has bitten the dust; and yes I'm aware this is the third episode. 

Once again we are given something what resembles a monster-of-the-week, but rather it is a victim-of-the-week. Tonight it's young Annie, a down-and-out obituary writer who wants to see her star rising. However after a talk with Gavin in the lift she is suddenly blessed with the power to make whatever she writes the truth, i.e. write fake obituaries that suddenly aren't bullshit. Hooray! You could like end wars and stuff, but no, she makes some dead guy a spy for the CIA. Whatever. 

In a slightly ironic (are there varying degrees of irony?) twist, her powers of anti-bullshitting create the ultimate villain, when the man that she claimed her fake CIA spy tracked turns up in her apartment, violently pulling her away from a window she'd broken in a futile attempt to escape, dragging her over the bathroom floor and leaving a bloody trail on the tiles. In her last scene, we see her bound to a chair while the man she created gets to work with the torturing and junk. Good for her. 

Has anyone ever done a scary little girl before? Other than of course The Shining, Children of the Corn, The Ring, Orphan, Buffy, [REC], a whole host more. Ok, she isn't that scary, but it is still a tired trope that was cool the first few times but is getting more and more irritating with every passing evil infant. Tonight this girl seems to have escaped from the weird room that Jane uncovered - at the cost of an unfortunate exterminator's life. She never tries to like kill anyone, but only our heroine can see her and she revels in providing cryptic warnings that lead Jane to a briefcase with some sort of demonic force inside it. 

It is the ten-year anniversary of Gavin and Olivia's daughter's death after she killed herself by driving full speed into a cement embankment. Obviously only Olivia is aware it was a suicide, with Gavin assured that it was purely accidental. In the end we learn that Sasha had done the deed to escape from the shadow of her 'evil' - in her words, hence the quotation marks - father, though we learn this through a note that Olivia burns during the conclusion. Vanessa Williams tried her upmost to portray a mother's remaining grief, but really it came off as very staged and unbelievable. It didn't help that Rachel Taylor's Jane spends the whole episode going 'Awww' and 'I'm so sorry'. Grow some balls, woman. I know you think this woman is your friend, but you are unbelievably dull. And stupid, FYI. Who continues to venture into places you believe to be haunted, unless you have some sort of death wish - which would actually be an interesting and enjoyable twist. Anyway, how can you have friends?

Henry, what the fuck are you doing? All he does is talk about work. Who cares? And you're so happy. I hope you die slowly and painfully, perhaps with Gavin - the only good character on the show - wrapping his paranormal fingers around your throat and giving a tight squeeze. He's already initiated then thwarted a near promotion, what's he got in store next anyway?

My least favourite storyline involves Brian and Louise, with Brian being the surely ill-fated adulterous husband who is infatuated with his wife's assistant. I honestly hope he doesn't make it past the next episode, all he does is look like a hipster and lust. That's not a character, that's barely even a sentence. He shows the kind of depth and provides the kind of story that you can get from an arty teenager's sketch of his inner feelings. Overwrought, yet deeply shallow. Go to hell, Robert Buckley, you haven't acted shit but you haven't proven yourself either. 

Let's be honest for a second; I don't hate anyone yet. Yeah, Brian, Henry, Olivia and Jane all irritate me to some level, but Gavin is awesome thanks to Terry O'Quinn, and the secondary characters like Louise and Alexis haven't made me bang my head against the wall. There is potential there. Still, the show better be heading towards some sort of big event that sets the rest of the series in motion, like the death of a major player. That always kick-starts an ailing drama. Kill Henry! Better yet, Brian! Though I don't know how big an effect that would have on anyone really; 'Oh the hunk's dead. The women will be sad.'. That's probably about it, really.

So, 'The Dead Don't Stay Dead', did you have any other tricks up your sleeve? Not really. The only remotely scary scene occurred as Jane ventures into the basement - again - after hearing bells ringing from all the way up in her bedroom. It's dark and soft, creepy music heightens the feeling of impending jump-scare, only it never arrives. Instead, she discovers a torch, showing that someone else was there. Or something. She finds the bells attached to a suitcase, the very one she brings back up to her apartment to deal with the next morning. As she goes back to sleep, a monstrous being presses itself against the leather from beneath the suitcase, and we fade to black.

I'm probably going to fade to black as well. I'm never bored, but what we get is pretty standard for this calibre of network television, with its only aim being to keep us interested, but not gripped. Often gripping us would entail doing something a little risqué, which threatens the wholesome nature of a FUCKING HORROR SHOW. Fuck the PTC, kill the children and deck the halls with their intestines. Drown fucking Jane and her boring-as-shit boyfriend in a pool of Brian's blood, and then we'll have a show. 

Well that escalated quickly. 

'Murmuration' - 666 Park Avenue, Season One

666 Park Avenue

Season One

Episode Two

'Murmuration' - 3.0

This is either an ornithologist's dream or their nightmare. Depends on their fetish. 

In order to try and increase the fear factor of this less-than-suspenseful ‘horror’ offering, I decided to watch tonight’s episode under the flickering glow of two slowly diminishing candles. The light was only needed so that I could actually see what I was writing, but that probably wasn’t so important. There isn’t so much to mention.

The sub-plot tonight was largely uninteresting, featuring a forty-six year old murder mystery that begins with another dream of Jane Van Veen’s. Once again, our female protagonist ventures into the room-behind-the-wall, entering the apartment 7G and finding a deceased male with a duo of stab wounds in his chest. After a little digging we learn that the murder occurred in 1966 and is still unsolved. However, as this slow investigation continues, we simultaneously meet Danielle, a young-looking but oddly desperate woman who desires nothing more than to found the man of her dreams and settle down.

Danielle meets one of Gavin’s associates, Frank Alpen, and they two begin a very brief courting ritual. Alpen is working with Gavin to help construct a large building or something, except Henry discovers that the deal is dirty through his job in the mayor’s office, but keeps it from Gavin fearing that it could jeopardise his career. He needn’t have worried, because after a passionate tryst, Danielle discovers that Frank is actually married, and had been stringing her along the whole time. Betrayed, she grabs a knife and murders the man right there and then, just as Jane has yet another informative dream revealing Danielle to be the killer all the way back in 1966.

Huh?

Seems that Danielle is just like the maid from American Horror Story, and is really exceptionally old. Or something like that, who really knows? Regardless, she’s been seeking single men then murdering them in a dumbing rage for decades, while Gavin has been almost resetting her so that he can use her to get rid of his unwanted associates. Gavin, we learn, was always aware of Frank’s knowingly dodgy investment, and had desired the man’s death. Similarly, he had been using this potential financial nightmare as a test of Henry’s integrity, a test that he passes with flying colours.

In a strange side plot not at all reminiscent of ‘the Birds’ – that’s not sarcasm – Jane discovers a ‘murmuration’ of starlings nesting behind that wall that John Barlow was eaten by at the end of the pilot. It was a briefly thrilling moment as she heard the rustling behind the wallpaper, digging her fingers into the plaster to get at what’s behind. Sadly, it was birds, who did little more than startle Rachael Taylor and fly off in pretty – and well CGI-ed – formation. It was fun when they ate the exterminator she’d hired, though it sure as hell wasn’t scary. Even in the dark. It didn’t help that we’d seen it happen already, since the resident psychic, Nora, had seen it in a vision only a couple of scenes prior.

For Brian Leonard, life is clearly going to get complicated. With his wife in hospital following her assault-with-intend-to-lift, he finds his attention caught by the seducing wiles of his neighbour, Alexis, who also happens to be Mrs. Leonard’s assistant. As such, the little minx gets her claws on a set of keys to the house, letting herself into the apartment and catching Brian in the shower. Luckily this isn’t AHS, because he would have been caught violently masturbating instead. AHS is a lot less subtle than 666.

The Drake had set up their meeting it seems, or maybe it was Gavin. I don’t know. Anyway, curtains would open themselves so that Brian could stare lustfully at Alexis, and of course her name did come up as a possible assistant last episode. Clearly other forces are at work in this building, but honestly I wish they were more violent. Oh yeah, they fuck. We don’t see it, but we know it. I’m already impatient for his adultery to become public knowledge.

Ok well, I’m kind of bored. That is just plain not a good reaction to any television show, especially one that is supposedly built around horror. Even the twist ending in which Jane finally physically passes through that door behind the concrete wall, only to have it slam shut behind her didn’t even warrant a jump from me. I’m definitely intrigued to see what lurks back there, but on the whole I’m not impressed.

I certainly didn’t think Alexis and Brian would hook up in the second damn episode. I wondered if maybe it would take just a little while longer than that, though if you have got a long story to tell make the developments as thick and fast as possible. I just hope to God that this isn’t one of those episode-by-episode shows, where twists are added so that we get at least one every week. Yeah, it makes it interesting in the short run, but probably wouldn’t last a full season.

So where do I stand? As I said, kind of bored. I liked the birds themselves rather than their plot line, and the character of Henry seems largely superfluous right now, but you never know. Similarly I don’t want this Danielle tragedy to go unremembered, it would be awful if this just turned into some semi-procedural, new event every week-type show.

It may be wishful thinking to brand ‘Murmuration’ as a low-point right now, but it wholly failed to scare or excite me in any way. I do have to keep wondering if conservative free-to-air channels are the best place for a horror show to air, there is just too much that they wouldn’t be allowed to show. There’ll certainly be no child death like what runs rampant in AHS, but there might be a much more intelligent and meaningful level of restraint. Who knows, the writers and directors may realise that the old trope  ‘less is more’ is incredibly accurate, and choose to show any acts of violence in, not really off-camera, but somewhat obscured fashion, allowing the viewer to fill in the gruesome blanks.

I sincerely hope you do improve 666 Park Avenue, and I am eager to unlock the secrets the crawl behind the walls of the Drake, and I guess that’s what really matters, even if I’m not entirely enjoying the slow, sketchy reveal.

'Pilot' - 666 Park Avenue, Season One

666 Park Avenue

Season One

Episode One

‘Pilot’ – 6.0

I’ve been taking somewhat of a break from writing my pieces recently, which I admit is an interesting thing to do at this time of year, with almost every returning show reappearing around now. It’s not my fault though, since I’m actually in the complex and highly overrated process of shifting my place of residence somewhere new, and the lack of a functioning cable receiver, bluray player, DVR or television have been hampering my repeated attempts to get back in the game. Yeah, that has put me behind. Yeah, it means none of my recaps have gone up yet. Yeah, like you give a shit.

In my first writing day for nearly two weeks, I am bringing to you a recap of the first episode from new horror drama 666 Park Avenue. Set in a New York apartment building, this adaption of Gabriella Pierce’s novel of the same name is no doubt hinged on the success of fellow genre-buddy ‘American Horror Story’, who came to be last year and brought horror into the realm of possibility on television. That said, I should mention how difficult it would be not to compare these two shows with one another, and thus I can’t be bothered trying not to. Obvious question; which is better? Less obvious answer; I just can’t tell yet.

If you consider what is probably the most important thing in this genre; actually being scared, FYI; American Horror Story definitely takes the cake. 666 has a few moments that got me a little but it lacked that pervasive sense of suspense and dread that made AHS so enthralling. However, the reason AHS was so scary was that it was unbelievably over-the-top, throwing any semblance of restraint or common sense so far out of the window it became entirely irretrievable, and this allows the viewer to legitimately feel like anything could – and would – happen over the course of the show. 666 seems to have morals and boundries, choosing to be almost completely devoid of violence or sex; those two aspects of horror that can be so easily used to manipulate our fear. Perhaps it isn’t so much morals, rather it would be the guiding hand of free-to-air network executives. You have to worry about this sort of thing, I guess, if you want to garner the attention of the general public, despite this being a horror show that risks alienating the fans of horror shows. Wow, did you get that?

So what exactly is this show about? Well, 999 Park Avenue is a residential hotel in the fancy part of New York, and it is a quite attractive building. I’m no architecture-fanatic  - I actually like the look of Fed Square – but this haunted masterpiece is pretty breathtaking, though that’s just a case of excellent location scouting. Anyway, in the first sequence we meet the building’s pre-main couple residential manager, who’s ambitions seem to converge on the thought of being a symphonic violinist,because that just founds epic fun. Whatever though, cause as he plays under the watchful eyes of the show’s obvious antagonistic couple – Lost’s Terry O’Quinn and Desperate Housewives’ Vanessa Williams – the tips of our musician’s plucking fingers begin to split open just a little bit, dripping blood onto his sheet music and his nice shoes. The bad guys are loving this of course.

Later the clearly ill-fated muso returns to his flat at 999 Park Avenue, packing his bags and smashing his violin against the dresser. He tries to run out the door, only to have it shut on him as he receives a call from O’Quinn, who totally says some shit. Scary shit, I’m sure. Admittedly, I just wanted to see this man murdered violently, only because my brain was freaking out thinking that it was inevitable. Sure enough, he does die, but not particularly shockingly. I was a little surprised, but it was no scary end; violinman (the world’s least interesting superhero) manages to break his way out of the building’s intricately designed double door entrance, only for that oh-so-familiar imminent-death cue to play just as he falls to his knees in relief. Seconds later he’s sucked through a little viewing hole and out of our show. To be honest, it was fairly nerve-wracking; until he was eaten by a door. Right, cause, that’s just full of sense right there. Couldn’t he have exploded or something? 999 Park Avenue is scary because it ABSORBS its victims? You do that, TV, I won’t stop you. I won’t like it, but I won’t stop you.

I didn’t realise what a profound effect that somewhat disappointing first death would have on my overall viewing experience. Initially I did think it was a bit silly – and not in a good horror-movie implausibility way – but it almost entirely vacuum-sucked the tension out of this show. Thankfully, there are actually a few other things going for it.

Our real protagonists, and the new resident managers are Jane Van Veen and Henry Martin, played by Australian Rachael Taylor and Dave Annable respectively, who offer a younger and more attractive look than what was seen in AHS. Oddly though, this slight advantage was not really used at all, and at their most seductive we see Taylor apparently naked in a bath tub. A sexy girl, sure, but they could have taken advantage of it. Another actress, Helena Mattsson – who has far too many adjacent double letters in her last name – is asked to strip off for the camera, which makes a bizarre decision to pan up a little, preventing visible boobage. I’m not complaining too much, it was just a bit surprising for a horror show to resist getting a little post-PG. DAMN YOU PARENT GROUPS. Some shows can have nudity. We aren’t all frigid old people with sheltered children!

The most interesting plot of the night did actually involve Mattsson. Taylor and Annable didn’t really do much, other than fuss over the house and get ever so subtly manipulated by Locke and Vanessa Williams. If you were wondering. Regardless, Mattsson plays Alexis, a voyeuristic whore who enjoys being ogled at by Brian Leonard, a flailing playwright portrayed by Robert Buckley who lives in 666 and is able to see Alexis’ apartment. His wife is Louise Leonard, who suffers in the episodes best scene; Only minutes after Brian watched Alexis remove her silken dressing gown to reveal off-camera bosoms, the married couple are caught in an elevator mishap. Their downward journey had been short, but somewhat unexpecting, culminating in Louise getting struck by a premature closing of the lift doors. I was honestly surprised, and watching the heavy metal barricade shut on the poor woman again and again was actually incredibly painful to watch. There was a very brief moment of real suspense when the lift clearly began to rise back up again, and I was momentarily sure that she was about to be torn in half. However, the next shot shows her back on the floor again, all of her in one piece. Not quite sure what happened there, but it didn’t matter, I enjoyed it. If it matters, she’s not dead.

For another character, they don’t get out of the night’s happenings so easily. His name is John Barlow, and it is established early on that he is a recent widower, with a very nosy Jane quickly discovering that Mrs. Barlow had died in a mental institution. In an understated and tense scene, the ghost of this woman appears behind Jane as she fiddles with a light globe, before vanishing into the darkness and emerging alive on the bed of her widowed husband. Gavin explains to John that his wife’s return is a rented life, and that payments need to be made. He orders the poor guy to murder two men, but he flakes on the third and Gavin returns his insolence with more getting-eaten-by-the-building. I won’t be so utterly bereft of fear about this bizarre method of death if you kill one of the protagonists with a spontaneous devouring-by-house. Maybe Jane can be chewed up by a water heater!

In all truth, nothing much else really happened. I’m already sick to death of the building itself, though I hope that it causes more lift-door accidents, that was fantastic. It was really the only point in the episode that had me tense – though the finger slicing in the cold open was getting there. The performances are passable, though I haven’t seen enough to judge properly. I wouldn’t say any actors jumped out in either good or bad ways, and I can see Taylor taking Jane far over the course of the series. O’Quinn and Williams are quite effective as the evil hearts of this tale, but from personal experience I have learnt that evil is the easiest personality trait to pull off to an audience. EVIL LAUGHTER CUED AND DELIVERED.

The cinematography is pretty typical of a horror, though it appears to be somewhat less inclined to pull evasive techniques just to keep us on our toes. For example, we don’t get close ups that obscure the entire frame to increase claustrophobia, which is a welcome change, though it once again makes 666 seem less like a horror and more like a standard network drama. Not necessarily a bad thing, though I hope they can pull in the normal audience like they seem to be trying to. Musically, I only really noticed anything in the cold open, which was scored with a nice orchestral piece, a motif of the show it seems as a symphony manages to make a repeat appearance. I’m certainly not antsy, classical music is always a step ahead of synthesiser-based scores that you get in shows like ‘the Vampire Diaries’. We all should note how important the music is in a horror film. Yes, Joss Whedon may note that the score manipulates us into feeling set emotions when we should really be experiencing everything the way we want to, but in a horror we need to be scared, and little does that better than a terrific, over-the-top musical cue. For now, 666 seems to understand that.

I’ll definitely tune in some more, though exactly how long the show is able to keep me intrigued is yet to be seen. Fingers crossed!