'Ties That Bind' - Revolution, Season One

Revolution

Season One

Episode Eight

'Ties That Bind' - 1.5

This is a group of people who all need to die slow, painful deaths. 

No. Just fucking no. I'm tired of giving the stupidity of this horrid attempt at storytelling a pass. Revolution is just every type of idiotic, using every single cliché and over-used trope to give itself a sense of adventure and action, but in the end it is just sad.

Take the shoot-outs we see during 'Ties that Bind'. First, Miles realises he and his friends are heading towards an ambush, and rather than run straight away opts to continue moving closer to the trap, pushing themselves onto a bridge, preventing them from scattering. I swear you used to be a fucking strategist, and now you decide that you'd rather force your crew to run from gunfire in a straight line than let the enemy know they've been made too early. COME ON!!! General Strauss kind of sucks too, because they could have tried to AIM. This is one of those overused tropes I mentioned: action film bad guys can never, ever aim, despite supposedly being trained to do so. It's maybe a bit more passable in a story where guns are hard to come by, but they had machine guns and their targets were fleeing as a group in a straight-fucking-line. FUCKINGLY FUCKING FUCK.

The second and final shoot-out had pretty similar issues. Namely, why not aim? They had clearly been behind Miles and the crew for a while, but they decided that they'd rather fire a few warning shots, instead of taking out someone who could fight back. Yes, I know they wanted Miles alive, but not Charlie or Aaron. Aren't they supposed evil? Isn't that the terribly written idea here, that the militia is immoral and totalitarian and actually needs to be defeated, instead of just being like the police. That's right, according to the laws of the Monroe Republic, Charlie and the gang are criminals! I am yet to actually feel bad for anyone.

The total fail is exemplified when Nora shows up, knifes some guy in the back, takes his gun and TAKES OUT THREE MEN WITH THREE BULLETS. Screw you, show. That's not how real life works, at least one good guy needs to die. Kill Aaron, no one gives a shit about him.

I've said that sometimes watching a show with your brain deactivated can be a relaxing experience, but I have issues when the show's brain is deactivated. If apparent experts don't know how to hold themselves in a fire fight then I'm likely to pull a hissy-fit. It certainly isn't helping that I find Miles to be insufferable, both in the way he's written and the way he's played. Despite his experience, I feel like he should be dead, along with his moralistic niece. Nora, oddly enough, is possibly my favourite character.

Note that that doesn't mean I like her.

With the whole introduction of her sister, I did think that they might kill her off, and I came to the quick conclusion that either she was going to die, Mia was going to die and finally cause some character development, or the two of them were going to ride off into the sunset together. It's probably a good thing that none of this happened, instead Mia turned out to be a fraud who was working for Sergeant Strauss in order to save her sister's life. Fair enough, and I didn't predict it. For once, I did understand why Nora leapt back to go help her friends, ditching her desperate sister standing alone. The realisation that Mia had never actually been to Texas and found their father was probably more affecting though, and I'm practically begging the writers to play on this somehow, and build some of Nora's character up. Finally. 

This show seems to underestimate the intelligence of its viewers, and I've come to the conclusion that it is like an IQ test. If you don't notice the logical failures then you have below average intelligence, i.e less than 100 IQ points. If you do, then congrats you have at least 100 IQ points, like half the world. Anyway, it's patronising, infuriating and nonsensical at times, to the point that I can no longer ignore the stupidity of its writers. They don't even make it cheesy! If it was like Xena or Buffy-type ridiculous I'd probably really enjoy it, but they play it STRAIGHT.

I'VE JUST REALISED: 'Revolution' isn't a failed epic adventure, it's a failed comedic farce! That makes me feel better.

'162 Candles' - The Vampire Diaries, Season One

The Vampire Diaries

Season One

Episode Eight

'162 Candles' - 7.0

Yes, I am Lexi. Yes, I am awesome. Yes, I am about to be defeated by a vampire a good three centuries younger than me.

This fucking show infuriates me. They finally introduce a compelling and nearly original character, and then they kill her. IN THE SAME FRIGGING EPISODE.

'162 Candles' is all about Stefan's birthday, because it is something you take seriously when you realise you could have like five hundred, if you wanted. For whatever reason, along comes Stefan's oldest friend Lexi, who is awesome. She's witty, cool as a cucumber and older and stronger than Damon. It didn't click, but that right there was probably why she never would've survived the episode. Damon really is the main character isn't he, even if he is also the antagonist? We can't have a good guy who can easily take the big bad in a fight, where's the drama in that? Dear gods, Damon isn't even interesting, people. I'm sick of hearing how clever it is that we are manipulated into liking the villain - screw off, he is barely a villain and television shows have been pulling that trick for decades! You've probably just come from kid's shows, so you most likely aren't quite use to the tropes and clichés of 'adult' TV.

Sorry, I don't mean to full on insult the viewers of this show. I mean I don't mind it later, but at this point none of the characters interest me, they are all boring, uninspired and cardboard cutouts of the standard mix of television stereotypes. And yes, I probably am going to complain about them in every review, because these plain-flavored treats and making this a very uninteresting meal. Personally I can't see what compels people to watch this garbage!

Hold on, let me breath... OK, the characters suck, but '162 Candles' wasn't actually that bad an episode. This is all because of Lexi of course, so no doubt the next episode will suck so much ass I'll probably throw up, but tonight I was more interested than normal. I'm gonna let you all in on a little secret; in about half of my 'viewings' I have this oldish dog sitting in the room - her names Daisy - and she snores like a freaking bear. My logic is that if I am able to ignore her bellowing snores then that means I am really enjoying watching whatever is on. It's like a rain gauge for fun. In this episode I had my moments where I wanted to go and smother her with a cushion, but for the largest part of the forty minutes I didn't hear her, which is definitely in the episode’s favour.

And despite the fact she actually died, I did think Lexi's final scene was pretty badass. She had a syringe full of vervain - which seems to act like potent valium or something - and still managed to throw two policemen metres away, as well as take a barrage of bullets from Sheriff Forbes. At the same time, Damon's plan made sense (although he really didn't have to explain it later), he was going to frame Lexi for the murders the town had experienced since he'd arrived. Duh, it's so obvious! I was annoyed when he jammed his stake into Lexi's chest, but it made perfect sense and (as you can see) got a pretty strong emotional response from me. That's always a good thing in television, there is nothing worse than boredom.

There was one more exceptional scene, and this one involved Bonnie interestingly. See, despite us not getting a good look at what she was doing with her grams, it turns out she'd learnt to harness a few of her witchy powers. Since Elena is her best friend (poor Caroline), she decided to come out the most elegant (and kinda bitchy) way possible - eviscerating Elena's pillow then making all the feathers float around the room. Yeah, that was pretty cool, and pretty well shot, and just pretty.

Now, Vampire Diaries, what I really need from you are some captivating and out-of-the-ordinary characters, some snappier and funnier dialogue, and you should stop treating me like an idiot. I get what you are doing most of the time, soon you're gonna start having the characters talk to themselves just so that we know how they're feeling. God help us if we should make an incorrect assumption. 

'Hold Me in Paradise' - Boardwalk Empire, Season One

Boardwalk Empire

Season One

Episode Eight

'Hold Me in Paradise' - 8.0

The stakes are high! (ha...)

'Hole Me in Paradise' actually managed to get by without being entirely devoted to its characters. The status of the plot has finally lurched forward a little, with one major player out of action for a while, one back into the game and another side character appears to have taken a step up.

Eli is the most obvious place to start tonight, and as the episode starts he is in control, since his brother Nucky is in Chicago for some political convention. The treasurer's younger brother is forced to take the reins of a very complicated business, and it is blatant that the people of Atlantic City respect him far less than his brother. Not a great deal happens to the guy until about half way through, when he goes to get the earnings from the casino. Only the episode before in 'Home', we'd seen the D'Alessio brothers organising a heist at the joint with Charlie Luciano and Meyer Lansky, so when Eli finds the place under siege it wasn't shocking. What was, however, was when the robbery is over a couple of seconds later, with Eli carrying a bullet wound to the abdomen and the crooks hightailing it out of there with one hundred and fifty grand. It doesn't look great for Eli, who up until this point has had little relevance to the plot, aside from being a Thompson. It's pretty clear that his death would make the character an important former presence, and would have lasting implications for the storyline. Nonetheless, I have nothing against the guy, he seems like an alright bloke born into the wrong family. Eli turns out fine, in the end, just bed-ridden, possibly for the next few episodes. The shooting does have one important message anyway; there's a war out there, and there's been one since Chalky White's driver was lynched at the end of the third episode.

For Nucky in Chicago, everything's coming up roses. This is before he learns of his brother's near-death experience of course, but Nucky is enjoying having politicians clamber over him, trying to get a bit of his powerful influence to rub off on them. After discovering that Senator Edge is going to hand Nucky's road appropriations money to Mayor Hague, he is determined to ensure that Edge does not receive the Vice-Presidential bump that he very much desires. He even organises with another generic political player to have a new guy - future President Warren Harding no less - nominated as the Republican candidate for the coming election. I'll be entirely honest in saying that I don't really understand American politics, and I don't really want to. It has little relevance to my life, and seems pointlessly complicated and open-ended for my tastes. What happened to old fashioned, fight-to-the-death for power, eh? Anyway, Nucky ends up having to leave Chicago early because of his brother's shooting, but not before giving Senator Edge a piece of his mind and - probably more importantly - reconnecting with his estranged protégé; Jimmy Darmody. Nucky goes so far as to invite Jimmy to return to Atlantic City under a business deal, believing that Jimmy would be instrumental in protecting his power over the city.

Margaret has a pretty boring time, though the show hints that she will begin playing a more integral role to the show. I mean, she's always had a sense of spunk and intelligence not seen in many of the other women on the show. In a truly enjoyable scene, Margaret is interrupted during a meal by Madame Jeunet, who wants her help to deal with Lucy Danziger, who is attempting to buy expensive clothes despite the end of her relationship with Nucky. Margaret is composed and confident, easily talking down the bratty Lucy, but she loses her cool when her intelligence is called into question, slapping the slut all in the face. Ha! Oh, how I laughed. I would be happy if these two got more angry, jealous scenes together, Margaret's witty and quick while Lucy is just insane.

Margaret's night is ruined when Nucky calls her up to inform her about Eli's big day, but rather than looking for support and comfort, Nucky wants her to go to his suite at the Ritz. It was by far the most subtle admission of criminal activity ever - notice sarcasm - with Nucky going so far as to tell the woman to take a ledger out of his desk and hide it in the cupboard. Of course she struggles with the temptation to read it - who wouldn't? - but we've always been taught by the show that Margaret is made of stronger stuff than the average curious cat. Alas, she gives in during the final few moments of the episode, opening the ledger and reading about all the wondrous deals her boyfriend's been making.

'Hold Me to Paradise' threatens to kick the story into high gear, establishing that there is a war brewing beneath the surface in Atlantic City, while simultaneously creating obstacles out of Eli and Margaret. Plot wise, Jimmy could go either way, helping his father figure like he promised or choosing to try and take him down with the Luciano. I'm definitely excited to see the plot coming in thick and fast, and it is a joy to see something shocking happen to a character we already know well, but I still wish that it had all happened much quicker than this, and that we hadn't wasted so much time meeting those who have little to do in the long run.

'The Pony' - Boardwalk Empire, Season Three

Boardwalk Empire

Season Three

Episode Eight

'The Pony' - 8.5

How awesome is this?!

To say we just entered season three's climax would be an understatement. The murder of Jimmy Darmody aside, the explosion and thus destruction of series-long hang-out Babettes is one of this show's more audacious and dramatic manoeuvres, only furthered by the fact it clearly - well, hopefully - takes out a seemingly important recurring character. 'The Pony' looks to be the last hoorah for new girl-on-the-block Meg Chambers Steedle, who's role as flapper-girl Billy Kent comes to a fiery end. 

I definitely didn't have an issue with Kent, and considering she was an obstacle for Nucky and Margaret's relationship, I probably liked her. Relatively. In fact, her character is one of only a few that deserves to have great amounts of exposition devoted to them, an exclusive list that includes largely unexplored characters like Owen Sleater, Gaston Means and Gyp Rosetti, all of whom appear tonight. Anyway, Kent actually gets a nice focus in the lead up to her death, with 'The Pony' doing what shock-death episodes do best; making them seem important so we don't expect them to die, as well as building up as much sympathy as possible.

It does that perfectly. Really, by episode's explosive end I had come to respect Billy as strong, outspoken and occasionally hilarious, with her stand-out scenes being her terrific audition for her first motion picture and her handling of Nucky's violent introduction to her possible co-star. Together the scenes didn't just prove the character as successful, but also made Steedle out to be damn good in the role. She is almost the perfect flapper girl, as seen during her audition where she acts out a silent movie-scenario with comedic grace and 1920's slapstick. Very nice.

There was something very majestic about her eventual loss, as hers is the last face we get a good look at before the building explodes out across the boardwalk, with Nucky's perception of sight and sound being focussed onto only her; the voices of Rothstein, Baxter and Luciano being reduced to static murmurs, before flames erupt from within Babettes and everything happens. It was filmed and composed largely without originality, as from the second we see the group walking together and the dialogue is in that pre-catastrophic state of pointlessness I could tell hell was about to break loose. Nonetheless, when it does actually happen it was spectacular and highly devastating.

It will come as no surprise that the bombing was a result of - probably - Gyp Rosetti, as he's alerted to the meeting by none other than Gillian Darmody, who is bitter after receiving a visit from her son's killer. I think I've said it before so far this season, but I don't think Gillian's going to make it out alive, as she's already done the sort of acts that earned Jimmy a bullet in the brain. I'd be sad to see Gretchen Mol out, but at the same time her character has served a brilliant tenure on the show and is pretty much dead weight without Jimmy. 

I appreciated the fleshing out of Van Alden's Norwegian wife, who establishes herself as something of a criminal thinker as she prepares to go into the liquor business for her and her husband's livelihood. At first the character was almost a racist joke, but I've decided I don't mind her. She's a bit of fun. 

Van Alden, or Mueller or whatever, also has some fun tonight when he goes absolutely INSANE at his place of occupation. After running through a few mocking jokes while doing a practice sales pitch, an unlucky colleague of Nelson's gets one of these fancy irons pressed against his face and left moaning and groaning on the floor as the former Prohibition agent goes schizo throwing papers about and breaking office equipment. It was both cringe worthy and hilarious, and not many other actors on this show can manage that, though I have to wonder if the writers are going to explore the consequences of his assault or not. 

There was actual plot tonight as well, as Nucky manages to avoid being arrested again by getting the secretary for something-or-other to arrest George Remus instead. I guess we won't get to see anymore of the third-person-speaking whacko. No big loss there.

So, yeah. That was a pretty fantastic ride for everyone involved, and I will definitely be sad to see Billy Kent lost from this show, though I am happy to see that she got to go out with an extra special bang that should have repercussions for the remainder of the season, if not the entire show. Though I shed not a tear, I still feel the pain. 

'The Equation' - Fringe, Season One

Fringe

Season One

Episode Eight

'The Equation' - 4.5

Fringe is by far the hardest of my shows to find a picture for, so here's Olivia with a  horse statue. 

'The Equation' effectively ends Fringe's winning streak of excellent episodes, having some terrific visuals that were let down by some shoddy acting, a platitudinous (I'm having fun with a thesaurus right now) and lengthy asylum sequence and some serious pacing issues.

Child actors are a problem whenever they are needed, only a small percentage of them actually appear half-decent at portraying complex emotions. In this episode, a young boy was tasked to play a musical prodigy kidnapped by a mysterious woman who wants him to finish the musical piece he's writing. Personally, I am more of a mathematician than a musician - and I'm really no mathematician - but while I'm aware that music can be viewed mathematically, I wasn't particularly sold when Walter took about thirty seconds to transpose an intricate equation into musical notation. I just don't know if it's possible, but I don't think it is - at least not when there are so many variables and stuff. Anyway, that was only an issue because it distracted me then, as it is now. Back to the kid, who as a whole was alright. He managed to get the most important shot pretty right in my opinion, but in general, I thought the actor looked bored and distant.

The case-of-the-week was at first about crazy-hypno-Christmas-lights, then quickly became about the woman who kidnaps gurus of various fields in order to help her decipher the eponymous equation, before releasing them back into their lives completely insane from the experience. This is what leads to the asylum that Walter came from in the first episode, as he is able to recall the tales from his friend Dashiell, who was a former victim of the kidnapper. For some convoluted reason or another, the FBI were not simply allowed to question Dashiell, rather Walter had to ask the questions himself in the middle of the hospital. In a bizarrely serious seen for the mad scientist, he not only caused a psychotic break in his old friend, but also seemed to suffer one himself and get himself temporarily recommitted.

Regrettably, the institutionalised portion of the episode slowed it down considerably, and while John Noble's performance deserves to be lauded, it was great a bit less interesting than the story of the boy should have been. Alas, there is nothing I can do now, and in the end Walter was freed, unknowingly with the knowledge that would save the day. It just seemed to me that the knowledge could have come in the initial questioning scene, rather than about fifteen minutes later.

I was impressed by some of the visuals in the episode. The first scene was wonderfully creepy, it was built up to be like the first kill of a horror film, but instead became a quiet, eerie moment where everything felt fine the entire time, until you realised what had happened. The green-red hypnosis-lights were a good choice as they are well timed and utilised to be both plot and aesthetic devices. When the kidnapper begins trying to coax the child into completing his composition, she both coerces then punishes him with visions of his dead mother. At first the mother is able to comfort him, but later, as her child has trouble finishing his work, her face practically rips itself open. It is disturbing, but the kid and his mum do a terrific job.

A favourite moment of mine featured Olivia attempting to apprehend the evil woman, because not only did it bring us our first hand-to-hand cat fight, it also brought us a great moment when Olivia was caught up in the flashing lights herself and inadvertently let the kidnapper escape. Charlie was there too, and Charlie's kinda cool, I like him.

This surprisingly ended up being an episode with strong ties to the overall mythology - it turns out the equation was needed by Loeb, who wanted to utilise it to phase through walls. Loeb's scene was brief, but was filmed and paced formidably - at first. It showed him set all his little gadgets up, then pull an apple right out of small metal safe from the back. I thought it was amazing, until he shot the kidnapper. I didn't like her or anything, I just had assumed she was an intelligent woman, and we all saw that coming. Surely she did too? Anyhow, no more information was given as to what Loeb will use this for, but presumably we won't have to wait too long.

As would be expected, the episode ended on a light note, presenting the healthy and probably still a little sane son to his relieved father. It was all very nice and sweet, and then it ended. I was almost surprised, as while it sounds like it, it was not overly satisfying and did not feel like a proper conclusion. Realistically, I think Loeb's scene would have been a far more striking and memorable finale, but whatever. I'm not the director... yet.