'The Killer' - The Vampire Diaries, Season Four

The Vampire Diaries

Season Four

Episode Five

'The Killer' - 4.0

I think 'The Killer' was the worst thing to Google image search for since 'Two Girls, One Cup'

Tyler, Damon, Jeremy, April, Hayley, Matt, Elena, Stefan, Klaus and now even Caroline. With every passing episode, more and more characters stop being interesting or likeable, and after almost no development in so long it's getting tiresome. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if they died. So much could be done better, there could be some real movement, instead of these constant circles.

I'll admit that Elena's arc so far this season has been pretty enjoyable, but she's still the loathsome, moral creature she's always been, and this new vampirism is doing little to change her. 'The Killer' that this episode refers to is actually our female protagonist, as she ends up being the one who finally takes down Connor, the vampire slayer. The moment when she snaps his neck in the cave was quite epic, and there is this degree of wonderful irony and tragedy that underpins the move. I hope that she finds out. It's great that the writers gave Damon and Stefan enough tact to not just blurt out her dumb-girl-play when they come across her digging a grave for her first victim, but she does have to find out sometime. They will no doubt give her some unrealistic, over-the-top 'OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?' realisation, because her sombre reflection and regret period was pretty fucking cliché. This is The Vampire Diaries though. I can't expect anything groundbreaking.

There is a lot of pretentious and cynical musings coming from me right now, but I get like that when I am really, really tired of the shit. Bonnie's meeting with the college professor for example; utter bullshit. Boring, over-long, badly written and badly edited. We never once see Bonnie actually hypnotised, it is all just '(talking,talking,talking) by the way you've just done something and forgotten about it TA-FUCKING-DAH'. It didn't help that I had mostly forgotten (or blocked out) that she was having ANOTHER magical crisis and couldn't do spells. Maybe one day she can stop putting a cork in her power every time she could be of some level of usefulness. We're all sick of it Bonnie, just learn to be a bloody witch for once.

I had issues with Damon, as normal. He just proves to be a difficult ass when it comes to rescuing Jeremy, Matt and April from the Mystic Grill. Why does Stefan wanting to send hybrids in show he's working with Klaus? All it shows is that Stefan has enough brains to know that something part-werewolf can't be killed by the werewolf venom Connor may or may not have, and the fact that he had to vervain Damon just shows that he can remember all the times that his brother has fucked things up in the past. Remember when he fed Elena his blood? Or when he killed coach Tanner? Or when he killed Jeremy? Or all the times he egged the Originals on? Yeah, I think we can all agree that everyone in Mystic Falls would live a lot longer if he wasn't around. 

In regards to the Mystic Grill hostage situation: what the fuck was that? Admittedly the violent end for so-far-unseen hybrid lackey No.76 was wonderful, but the capture and rescue of the three main humans was unremarkable. They came so close to killing off Jeremy but wussed out at the last second. COME ON!!! You could have had an amazing goodbye, with poor Elena saying farewell to her beloved brother as the glass and nails stick out of him like a porcupine's quills. Also, is anyone going to point out that it was Elena's fault that Connor shot Jeremy? She pumped the hunter and made him miss Stefan, so why did Elena barely even flinch? Similarly, where was Elena when the pressure switch went off? Why wasn't she hit? So many questions, so little motivation to rewatch the episode and figure out the answers. 

Did anyone else hope that at least ONE of the goddamn humans would die? Matt seemed entirely unphased by the events once they were over, while Jeremy was more concerned about the fact he was compelled than the fact he was kidnapped and shot. April had the entire thing compelled away, meaning that the ordeal ended up having almost no bearing on the characters or the plot, other than indirectly causing Connor's death. Whatever, I don't see the point if it isn't going to have repercussions.

Jeremy becoming the new hunter? Called it. Predicted it. Feel somewhat patronised that it played out exactly as I expected, even if it was all a little faster than I thought it would be.

I had issues with Nina Dobrev throughout the episode, but her graveside breakdown was pretty well done. The wait for her to become a more interesting character is getting horrid, but I am pretty sure she's moving towards something better. Her outburst at Damon when he tries to prevent her from helping out was a good omen. In a perfect world she'll kill him eventually, then Jeremy. God I hate them so much. 

OK, 'The Killer' was stupid and pointless. I like that Elena FINALLY killed someone, even though she's killed vampires and stuff. It was an important moment for the series and for the character nonetheless, so I can only hope that the writers will actually do something with this development and not just have her mull over the guilt for a few episodes. Preferably, I'd like to see her switch off her humanity. 

'History Repeating' - The Vampire Diaries, Season One

The Vampire Diaries

Season One

Episode Nine

'History Repeating' - 7.0

'We are never telling Elena we did THAT'

Something I notice about most ‘The Vampire Diaries’ fans is that they refuse to admit that the show has some dodgy episodes. Hell, they'll refuse to admit it has dodgy scenes. It's a generalisation, so it is not entirely fair, but have a glance at the forums or the wikis and you’ll see they can be pretty ravenous. I wonder if this is the Justin Beiber demographic?

Anyway, that is beside the point, because 'History Repeating' isn't too bad, in fact I did kind of enjoy it. It was Bonnie-centric, which would normally spell doom since Katerina Graham really needs to do a few more acting lessons, but some of the set pieces and revelations are actually fairly momentous. Of course the most notable would be that Katherine is in fact alive, and is simply locked in a tomb beneath Fell's church. On a related note, does Fell's Church mean Logan Fell's ancestors were like pastors and priests? So that means that those religious occupations translated to journalism? Is that a bit of religious commentary there, Vampire Diaries, are you trying to be clever?

We see a lot more of Bonnie's amber necklace tonight which has been a major plot device since 'Family Ties', although this was kind of built up as its final appearance. In just the one episode, the poor thing is squabbled over by Caroline and Bonne, thrown into a paddock, involved in a possession then blown to smithereens. Big night for it.

Since Bonnie is Bonnie, she's beginning to freak out more and more because of her fledging-witch abilities, as well as the visions of her great-great-something-or-other Emily brought on by the necklace. Emily has been trying to direct her to Fell's Church in all kinds of 'creepy' ways, well... Vampire Diaries creepy, which isn't really very tense or scary just... I don't know. Not good. So Bonnie, fed up with the constant magical antics, hocks her family's antique necklace as far as she can into some random paddock in what seems to have been supposed to be an emotionally heavy scene, but in the end it was boring and kinda pointless. That very night the necklace is back in her bag for Caroline to find and be a bitch about.

There was a séance. How they got there, I'm not sure. It was Caroline's idea, but it was one of the most idiotic decisions anyone has ever made ever. We have a ghost? Awesome, a séance always seems to fix these problems in the films! I think at this point in the show, Caroline is actually mentally handicapped. As you'd expect, the séance makes everything awful - candles flair up, windows bash open, the necklace disappears then baits Bonnie into getting locked in a bathroom and inhabited by the ghost of her ancestor. Wow  I wish that my manicure parties with the girlfriends ended with demonic possession. Come on, TVD, you had a terrific (if kinda contrite) opportunity to pull some actually frightening scenes on us, but you chose to do some lightweight jump moments while that freaking foul score played over the top. Put some more money in your orchestra, cause right now your music is either disappearing under the scenes or completely over shadowing it with buckets of horrid ear-murder.

You know what was impressive though? Bonnie, now possessed by Emily, heads over to Fell's Church, gives Damon a good supernatural shove then obliterates the crystal in a fiery and very dramatic crowning moment of awesome. There was even a flaming pentagram, though I don't know if many of this show's viewers would get the significance. In fact I don't know if the writers did either, since Bonnie spends the scene telling Damon she won't bring evil upon Mystic Falls, while standing in a giant devil's symbol that had appeared around her. Right, OK. The whole scene was pretty amazing, and we did learn one pretty epic secret - Katherine is alive, and locked in a tomb under the church! As well as twenty-six other vampires, but who cares because KATHERINE! Although I don't know if she'll ever escape now that the crystal is destroyed, but come on, this is Vampire Diaries, they aren't going to leave something like Katherine locked away for long.

Did anything else happen? Well Stefan and Damon spent the episode bonding of sorts, playing darts and football and being brothers, and I was just like... wow, look at all the fucks I give. I don't even care why Damon's in Mystic Falls, though now I know it's for Katherine I'm cool with it. Still I had a brief moment when I didn't despise Damon with every single aspect of my being, and that was at the very end of the episode where he's just sitting in the forest all alone and sulky cause Emily effectively just sealed the love of his life in a tomb for eternity. Ian Somerhalder didn't do too badly, and I really got the fallen-from-grace and hopeless vibe. Paul Wesley did a good job too, since almost all the characters end up crying at the end there, Stefan's much more emotional reaction to the events of the episode was a surprisingly adept acting job from someone who's really only acted as passively interested so far.

So this episode did bring us a hell of a lot of plot - Katherine is alive, but the necklace needed to free her has been destroyed, Logan's alive, and maybe a vampire? There's a new history teacher, Alaric Saltzman, who has like a vampire ring-thing, and didn't come into Jenna's house, maybe because he wasn't invited. Both Damon and Stefan said that they'd leave town, though I doubt either will for very long. Bonnie is informed of all the crazy in the world (that Elena's aware of). That's a lot of stuff for one episode of a show like this, so that can't be a bad thing.

'A Gettysburg Address' - Homeland, Season Two

Homeland

Season Two

Episode Six

'A Gettysburg Address' -  7.0

'Remember that time we spent in backseat heaven? Welcome to front seat hell.'

I thought last week was intense! Hello, machine gun-wielding men in black! 

I had come to the conclusion that Galvez was actually the mole, so imagine my surprise when he was gunned down just as haphazardly as Quinn, Chapman and the four or so other agents sifting through the deceased tailor's digs. Of course, Quinn doesn't die, at least not blatantly, so we can expect to see a bit more of him. 

It all went down because someone was clearly watching the tailor's place to ensure that it wasn't raided, so when it was they had to rush in a retrieve whatever big of incriminating evidence lay behind the false wall. My question however, is why they didn't retrieve it earlier? Why wait until the CIA were actually in the building before moving in. Did they want to make an example out of the CIA? Hopefully this is the case, as it makes a lot more sense than 'we waited two weeks and suddenly it became urgent'. When Roya points out that it had taken two weeks before it was investigated properly hints that maybe this was the reasoning.

Can I just say how much better Roya Hammad is now that she is a known enemy, rather than the mysterious middle man for Abu Nazir? Everyone knows she's evil, but she doesn't know that she's been made. It is entirely against her controlling, dominating character and it is pleasurable waiting for her to start squirming, even if I have to endure Brody squirming all the while.

There is just this one issue, and I have been over it before: why trust Brody? He's a confessed jihadist and someone with a known desire to cripple America, why recruit him into the fucking CIA? You have to question whether jeopardising every single operative on the team is worth the possible link to Abu Nazir.

Just so you know, I'm currently talking to Centrelink on the telephone as I try to concentrate on writing this review. I'm pretty new to this adult responsibility thing, but I see why everyone hates to talk to this crazy corporation. I've been listening to awful hold music for the duration of my time at the desk here, interspersed with the jarring ring tone and almost motivational slogans only a government organisation would throw at you. 'Sick of rebellion? OBEY THE AUTHORITY!!! Live happy!'. Ok, it's nothing like that, but you get the idea.

In the world of Dana Brody, things are just as complicated. Well that's a giant lie, as her plot seems ripped straight from the pages of any soap opera script. Dana gets all emotional and flighty after talking with the daughter of the woman they ran over last episode, and once again we find the main character being the moral compass in a crime duo, with the little known boyfriend being the dick. Why is the main cast always so righteous? Discounting the fact she should have gone to the police by now, we are clearly supposed to be on her side in this whole mess, but it's such a tired storyline that I'm not really on anyone's side.

All I want from you, Homeland, is to give us a story about Brody and Carrie. If this hit-and-run plot is going to tie in beautifully with theirs then go about your business, but if you are going to wrap this up with no ultimate connection then FUCKING GET IT OVER AND DONE WITH. Dana-schmana. I kind of wanted Carrie to strangle her in the season finale anyway.

'A Good Soldier' - Homeland, Season One

Homeland

Season One

Episode Six

'The Good Soldier' - 7.5

Ug. 

Very good. Not perfect, just very, very good. I'm neither feeling up to reviewing or recapping, but I guess I can give it a go today. Homeland is one of those shows that is just so marvellously consistent that it is difficult to talk about what makes each episode worthwhile, almost entirely because it is the same aspects every episode.

So what happened in 'The Good Soldier'? Well following Afzal Hamid's suicide in the interrogation room Carrie has organised polygraph tests for everyone involved in his transport or questioning. She is confident that this will catch Brody out as the man responsible, and thus as a national security threat.

I enjoyed every single polygraph scene, they were all pretty indicative of the character's personalities. Carrie is surprisingly eager about doing hers, but she seems to fail on the questions about illegal drugs. Estes clearly just wants to be somewhere else, and doesn't react particularly well when asked about his marriage. Saul goes so far as to storm out of his first one, apparently you have to be in the right mood for one of these things. He fails in every question, including both his name and the question about the blade. We do have to wonder for a moment though, he was in the room with him the most; couldn't it have been him? Of course, his wife Mira had not long told him that she wanted to move to India without him, which can't help someone's stress levels. He gets through alright the second time though.

The Brody family attends a memorial service for Thomas Walker, the over half of Brody's sniper pair and the man he killed during their captivity. It is his job to deliver a friend's eulogy, a scene that I will admit I was a bit bored during. Funerals aren't the most interesting of events, and one for someone I've never actually met is even less so. Brody's speech was... awkward? It started with a jarring and brief flashback to his murder of his friend which cut into the heavy silence that prevails at these functions. It was almost a jump moment, and I believe completely unnecessary. We haven't forgotten he killed Walker, you don't need to remind us. Once Brody gets into the eulogy, it was entirely without gripping moments or dialogue, with his decision to do a roll call at the end almost... embarrassing, in its awkwardness.

The reception is held at the Brody house, probably just so the production crew didn't have to scout for another location. Of course it ends badly, with some asshole veteran getting into Brody over what happened to Walker and the foils of war and all that shit. He was just a drunk asshole, angry and jealous about his fellow soldiers sudden rise to fame over an unnecessary war. Anyway, during his tirade he lets slip that one of the marines present had wonderful sex with Jess, a suggestion that warrants a pummelling - from Mike. Oh yeah, that's keeping things under wraps. I'm pretty sure Brody knew before, but he reaction during the reception is pretty violent, pulling Mike off the asshole and giving his friend a few hard punches, as Jess watches from the sidelines.

Back at Langley, the investigation into Raqim Faisel has uncovered the existence of a Caucasian girlfriend, a statistical irregularity for an Arabic terrorist. The girl, Irene Margaret Morgan, we find to be the real ringleader of the pair, having received formal training in bombs and espionage. After being tipped off to the CIA's imminent raid of their home, the couple had fled to what they'd been told was a safe house. Ultimately this proved false, as the door was tripped to cause a bomb to go off, but luckily for Faisel, Irene was able to discern this before entering the house, but it did mean that their own side was not out to silence them.

Morgan and her man go to the nearest hotel to discuss their next move. Faisel wants to turn himself in, fearing that they will just be running forever, or just end up captured or dead. Irene is more keen on Mexico, wishing to avoid torture and incarceration at Guantanamo Bay. They never really get to come to a compromise in the end, because while Irene's in the bathroom a car pulls up, filling the room and Faisel full of holes, but leaving her unscathed. She manages to crawl out a window and to safety, probably about to make her way to Mexico.

After Brody's melt down at the reception, he storms out and hides in some dive, giving Carrie a call asking not to have to do the polygraph. Carrie comes to see him in person, and the two get to some serious talking that culminates in a shocking tryst in the back seat of her car. Seriously, it was a 'what the fucking fuck?' moment. I mean sure, they have acid/base chemistry going on, but sex on like the fourth time they've ever met is... Maybe Carrie's a whore? Regardless, it did allow for an incredibly awkward polygraph for Brody, especially once he passes the razor blade question without a hiccup. Carrie freaks, forcing the poor guy to ask him the same question over and over, each time Brody doesn't show a single sign of lying. We are left wondering though, as Carrie has the conductor ask Brody if he was faithful to his wife, which he answers with a lie, yet doesn't trip the heart monitor. So, Brody's worked out a polygraph machine? Probably makes sense for a sniper.

The episode ends with a disgruntled Carrie being found wandering the parking lot by an angry-looking Brody, who tells her almost threateningly to get in his car, which she seems happy to do. Kinky.

So what do I think? I don't. Really. It was fun and full of intrigue the way that Homeland always is, but 'The Good Soldier' seemed entirely built around Carrie and Brody hooking up at the bar, a moment of weakness for both that will no doubt have lasting and irreparable consequences for both. I thought the acting in the polygraph scenes were all fantastic, and I loved the look Brody gave the surveillance camera when he was asked about his fidelity. Ha! Look at all that menace. This guy's so evil.

'An Origin Story' - Fringe, Season Five

Fringe

Season Five

Episode Five

'An Origin Story' - 6.5

Anna Torv is my world right now. 

I think I've decided what this season needs: an enemy. No, not The Observers in general, I mean a singular, ultimate antagonist who we can picture and who can represent exactly who our heroes need to defeat. I am aware that there is that one Observer who seems to be the leader, but I don't remember his name and he has to say something vaguely authoritarian before I realise who he is. We desperately need someone different, someone who stands out as the ultimate bad guy, who will be defeated in the series finale and take his entire race down with him.

I'm not saying 'An Origin Story' was bad. In fact, in terms of acting, originality, direction and story this season of Fringe has been universally (except 'The Recordist) well done, except there is a notable lack of heart and an almost isolating shift from the tone of the first four seasons. The death of Etta had the potential to put that sense of character back into the show, and bring us back to the ultimate success: it's characters. And yeah, in that sense we get a good going, with Olivia, Peter and Walter all handling the loss in their own ways.

Walter is quick to remind his son and daughter-in-law (I think?) that he has actually suffered through the death of a child before, and though he handles the death fairly well, he is the one who throws himself into preserving her memory. This is demonstrated early on as our heroes clean out Etta's apartment, as he takes a bottle of her perfume because his sense of smell is what best feeds his memory, while Olivia and Peter take photos and guns, respectively. Later on his presents Olivia with a videotape showing one of Etta's birthdays (they totally used videotape on home cameras into the mid-2010s), and suggests she give it a proper look in order to embrace the pain, since it is 'proof that she was here'.

Olivia and Peter are the real focuses though, with both taking a big hit from the death. Olivia mostly holds her dignity, apart from a brief moment in the opening scene, until Walter presents her with the tape, which prompts her to warn him that she's 'holding on by a thread'. Of the parents, I have to say I appreciated Anna Torv's portrayal more, as the few moments of anguished grief she did have managed to remain understated yet powerful. 'An Origin Story' doesn't choose to present displaced or over-the-top emotion, rather we get the views of two people who were somewhat prepared for this eventuality, and who had essentially been through it before. I don't think either really expected to be fighting the battle with their daughter anyhow, and it was largely icing on an unsavoury cake, or maybe even a brick or something.

Olivia's best scene was when she did finally decide to give the tape a go, breaking into Olivia-tears and pretty much drunk-dialling Peter to tell him how much she loves him. It was depressing, but like the rest of the episode it was also believable. On a deeper level, they aren't surprised, which does explain why the two at times are functioning better than most TV parents would. 

Peter is having just a few issues though, with the biggest one being rage. All he wants is to stick it to the Observers and watch them suffer, and he does get to engage in some eerie Observer-torture tonight. After a delivery from the future arrives, bringing new components for the CO2 generators, the resistance comes up with a plan to try and destroy the wormhole allowing these time travelling freights to come through. It involves deciphering both a strange wormhole-opening box and a book, which had come from a captured Observer.

Peter gets down to business trying to pull information from the unnamed enemy, who spends the entire episode strapped to a bed. He takes obvious pleasure in his treatment of his subject, clearly hell bent on avenging the loss of his daughter, using 'tells' to try and get him to inadvertently reveal how to utilise the device.

In the end though, the Observer reveals that Peter had put meaning in things that do not have meaning, and had misread the tells, meaning that when the group tries to use the device to destroy the wormhole it doesn't work. In revenge, Peter decides to steal the technology that makes a human into one of these Observers and implant it into itself. We don't get the implications of this tonight, but it was worth it just to see the Observer in its death throes as Peter cut into his back. Gross and violent, but so rewarding.

There are a couple of ways this could go: Peter is granted the powers of an Observer, including super speed and such, but also is given the dependence on CO2, the loss of hair, all that shit meaning that once they defeat them he will die. The tech could react badly to him as he is kind of an anomaly, resulting in him either dying or forcing Walter to remove it from him, which might also kill him. Maybe. Conversely, it could react strangely but give him even more intense powers, allowing him to easily overcome the other Observers, with no adverse side effects. This last one could also lead to a different, more interesting tangent: if he became an all-powerful Observer, perhaps the tech will also cause him to sway to their side, becoming the recognisable and distinctive face of the enemy for the final showdown. Of course, only one or two of these doesn't result in the death of Peter, but it is the final season so who cares about death?

'The Transformation' - Fringe, Season One

Fringe

Season One

Episode Thirteen

'The Transformation' -9.0

I've grown weary of the blue tinge. MY KINGDOM FOR SOME WARM COLOURS!

I do slightly remember watching this episode from the first time, and I remember thinking how stupid the idea of a man turning into the porcupine thing was. How then was I so impressed this time around? My best guess is that I didn't actually remember how I really felt about 'the Transformation', since the start of the episode bears so little resemblance to how it goes out.

It is always logical to start a review with the start of the movie, or episode. Whatever. In this case, the cold open was... interesting. Some guy for some reason or another, decides to freak out an airplane of crew and passengers by asking for weapons and sedatives, you know, pretty standard airplane protocol. Next thing you know, he's a giant porcupine.

What did I think? Well, as I said in the introduction, it's a bit stupid. Nonetheless, the creature's reveal was very well handled - a brief lull in the hushed conversation between two stewards heralds his eruption from the lavatory, followed by a hazy rampage through the passengers. It was a bit like something out of a creature feature, the old cheap ones that couldn't afford to show us the beast because he looked like a man in a costume. The last three or so seconds of the opener are what make it worthwhile, as well as the short scene after the title sequence which shows the plane careening down over a soccer pitch and landing in a fiery explosion behind a nearby forest. For a brief moment, all we could see was the reflection of the doomed jet in the tinted glass of some soccer mum's SUV, and it was terrific.

Somehow, this plane crash turns into a bioweapons sale in Chicago; something about the man's transformation being caused by a synthetic compound which has been weaponised. Maybe? Anyway, that doesn't really matter, what matters is that by some weird John Scott-related means they discover another man who is on the cusp of his own crazy metamorphosis and Walter is able to slow the transition down. But who cares about that?

John Scott? Yes, his memories are still stuck in Olivia's pretty head, and they mean she knows that John knew the man who transformed on the plane, and thus so does she. Being Olivia and completely selfless, she goes back into the tank she enters in the Pilot and 'the Dreamscape', endangering herself to the horrible side effects associated. So far all these sequences have been fantastic, very atmospheric and foreign, and at first this one seems comparatively more rushed and erratic. By its end, however, things get weirder than they have in the others. John Scott full on talks to Olivia while Peter and Walter start to worry about her signs. Before we now it, John Scott is actually aiding his former partner in finding 'Conrad', the mastermind looking to see the porcupine-serum. Turns out Scott isn't as evil as we thought, and that in reality he is an undercover NSA agent who's task was to take out Conrad while infiltrating the FBI for some reason. Who knows, right?

With the help of some other NSA guy John Scott's memories led them to, we find out where the sale of the weapon is going down, and we are presented with one of the finest pieces of television I have watched; Olivia and Peter head in on a sting operation to find the weapon and apprehend all involved, perhaps even Conrad. It is so well written and so well acted, one of the tensest and most captivating things I've seen in a long time, and credit should be given to the writing staff and to Anna Torv and Joshua Jackson. Everyone did an amazing job crafting one sequence that makes the entire episode worth watching. I can't stress enough how perfect it was.

I enjoyed the ending as well, since it seemed to be built as the final time we will see John Scott, which is a great thought. Walter revealed to Olivia that her brain was ridding itself of Scott, and that soon her mind will purge itself completely of him. Olivia being Olivia, she turns it into a reason to go back in the tank. I think it's her favourite place now, she always ends up there somehow. The location for their final meeting was well scouted, it was truly a beautiful stagnant lake - and no, that isn't sarcasm, it was really pretty. As much as I hate Mark Valley, the scene - which was essentially a marriage proposal - was heartbreaking for Olivia, as the second he said those clichéd words he vanished, and she was free of him forever, even though that's not what she wanted anymore. Ah, I thought it was well done, despite it being about Scott.

'The Milkmaid's Lot' - Boardwalk Empire, Season Three

Boardwalk Empire

Season Three

Episode Nine

'Where's My Funny Hat? The Milkmaid's Lot' - 9.0

Groin-grabbingly transcendent

What is particularly fun about this terrific children's tale of a sadistic and sociopathic gangster's longing hunt for a particularly audacious head dress is Nucky's fall from grace, to be clichéd. The Nucky Thompson we know: in control, sly, focused and witty, the master of a double life; is broken following a concussion suffered in the explosion of Babette's as well as the loss of his current love, Billy Kent.

Billy Kent represented Nucky's complete lack of awareness and cohesion, as throughout the episode his worst moments are signified by a dream-like flashback to the peroxide-haired flapper standing amidst sinking ashes, as her surviving lover's mind only hears the whining of acute tinnitus. It's powerful stuff, but also a bit of a cliché in itself, although it is used to full and worthwhile effect. Sometimes it is just unavoidable to use a cliché, but when it works it works, so who cares?

To be honest, Nucky's verbal and mental slips came thick and fast and I absolutely adored it. I'm certainly not saying I enjoyed his apparent dementia, but I found the massive contrast between this post-trauma version of the character with the normal, strong Nucky was so intense that it couldn't have failed. We have never seen the man this down-and-out, and it was marvellous. Has Steve Buscemi won any awards for this role yet, because sometimes I feel like they should just give him the big Emmy statue that stands behind the hosts. Probably split it with Claire Danes... 

Let's try and compile a list of Nucky's brain farts: (in no particular order)

• ·         Tried to get his doctor to call Eddie over, except he was actually looking for Eli
• ·         Thought he said 'Eli'
• ·         Wants to know why there isn't a pony for Emily's birthday party, after telling Owen and Margaret not to buy one last week.
• ·         Mistakes Chalky White (WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?) for a servant
• ·         Goes absolutely over the top after Gyp calls up to mock the loss of Billy
• ·         Has to be held back by Eli, whom he fails to recognise.
• ·         Doesn't understand why there's a party in his suite when he walks in on Emily's birthday.
• ·         Calls Margaret 'Mabel' - My personal favourite
• ·         Asks if Emily's ridden her pony
• ·         Gives her like half the birthday cake after he tears it apart. 
• ·         Gets confused by Margaret and starts talking about the explosion.
• ·         Collapses.
• ·         He asks Margaret if she found her missing earring, as in Billy's from last episode.
• ·         Returns it to her once he finds it in the bathroom, to her confusion. 

This last event leads to Margaret - who I think is feeling a tad guilty after seemingly agreeing to run away with Owen - coming clean about his current condition by informing him about the earrings' real owner's demise. With this now burnt into his mind, Nucky finally recalls the death of Billy in a brilliantly beautiful flashback, and he is able to regain a large part of his composure before strutting out to call his fellow gangsters to arms against the Gyp Rosetti and Joe Masseria threat.

I was equally impressed by the complete brush off his business partners gave him, essentially damning our hero to dying alone. Surely now would be the time to remember 'Sunday Best', in which Rosetti made an oath to Masseria to kill every single one of the other big league masters. We'll come to that later, and that will bring Torrio, Rothstein and the other guys back into the war. Rosetti just has to fuck up by attacking one of them.

What did you think of Gyp Rosetti's hat? I liked its outlandish and completely-off-his-rocker aesthetic. I'm sure captain's hats or whatever the fuck that was will be an amazing fashion trend that will sweep the universe over the next few years. His plan to get the Tabor Heights people on his side was a bit weird, it seemed to be like an expensive way of achieving something he could have done with fear. Didn't he immolate the last sheriff and beat this one? You'd think the residents of this sleepy coastal town would have cottoned onto the sheer intimidating force that is Gyp Rosetti.

And Margaret and Owen? Who cares? I'd rather see Margaret with Nucky, Owen is an entirely uninteresting character now that we've gotten to know him, and he's annoyingly soft-spoken for a known killer. Similarly, I've come to dislike Richard Harrow's story because it seems largely irrelevant and boring. We go from Nucky having to organise a war while suffering from a concussion to a guy with a burnt facing getting some lip action. Also, nice standards girl. I get that you are noble because you are willing to look past his imperfections and see the beautiful man within, but we all have limits. I like my prospective partners to have at least 90% of their face NOT made of plastic or metal or something artificial. Also, preferably I like most of the face to still be present. It may be asking a lot, but I'm happy to have high standards.

Before I bow out for the night, let's discuss two scenes. First, my 'that-poor-actor' scene of the night goes to the poor child actor playing young Tommy, who walks in on his favourite whore engaging in less-than-vanilla sex with her current customer. It was a rotating shot that went from the two going at it doggy-style to the boy coming in through the door, the man's arse still gyrating in the adjacent mirror. Unless there was an annoying level of CGI, they just put the kid in the middle of a very unfriendly scene. I don't know how I feel about that.

Second, my favourite moment, and that would have to go to another so-far-unmentioned brain fart, as Nucky asks Margaret to stay with him will he conducts his business with Eli and Owen. The poor woman has to sit there while he loudly exclaims wonderful images such as 'I'll wear that fucking dago's guts as a neck tie', giving Margaret a nice cold dip in the waters of Nucky's gangster life. It was probably a deciding moment for the woman, who shortly after tells Owen they are hightailing it out of Atlantic City as soon as possible.

TADAH!!! Funny hat dance! No, not really, but I could never put anything past Gyp Rosetti, and that's why he's such a fun character to see on screen. Gods be good he'll pipe up for the final few episodes before taking a wondrous and memorable bow out. Anyone with me?