'The Milkmaid's Lot' - Boardwalk Empire, Season Three

Boardwalk Empire

Season Three

Episode Nine

'Where's My Funny Hat? The Milkmaid's Lot' - 9.0

Groin-grabbingly transcendent

What is particularly fun about this terrific children's tale of a sadistic and sociopathic gangster's longing hunt for a particularly audacious head dress is Nucky's fall from grace, to be clichéd. The Nucky Thompson we know: in control, sly, focused and witty, the master of a double life; is broken following a concussion suffered in the explosion of Babette's as well as the loss of his current love, Billy Kent.

Billy Kent represented Nucky's complete lack of awareness and cohesion, as throughout the episode his worst moments are signified by a dream-like flashback to the peroxide-haired flapper standing amidst sinking ashes, as her surviving lover's mind only hears the whining of acute tinnitus. It's powerful stuff, but also a bit of a cliché in itself, although it is used to full and worthwhile effect. Sometimes it is just unavoidable to use a cliché, but when it works it works, so who cares?

To be honest, Nucky's verbal and mental slips came thick and fast and I absolutely adored it. I'm certainly not saying I enjoyed his apparent dementia, but I found the massive contrast between this post-trauma version of the character with the normal, strong Nucky was so intense that it couldn't have failed. We have never seen the man this down-and-out, and it was marvellous. Has Steve Buscemi won any awards for this role yet, because sometimes I feel like they should just give him the big Emmy statue that stands behind the hosts. Probably split it with Claire Danes... 

Let's try and compile a list of Nucky's brain farts: (in no particular order)

• ·         Tried to get his doctor to call Eddie over, except he was actually looking for Eli
• ·         Thought he said 'Eli'
• ·         Wants to know why there isn't a pony for Emily's birthday party, after telling Owen and Margaret not to buy one last week.
• ·         Mistakes Chalky White (WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?) for a servant
• ·         Goes absolutely over the top after Gyp calls up to mock the loss of Billy
• ·         Has to be held back by Eli, whom he fails to recognise.
• ·         Doesn't understand why there's a party in his suite when he walks in on Emily's birthday.
• ·         Calls Margaret 'Mabel' - My personal favourite
• ·         Asks if Emily's ridden her pony
• ·         Gives her like half the birthday cake after he tears it apart. 
• ·         Gets confused by Margaret and starts talking about the explosion.
• ·         Collapses.
• ·         He asks Margaret if she found her missing earring, as in Billy's from last episode.
• ·         Returns it to her once he finds it in the bathroom, to her confusion. 

This last event leads to Margaret - who I think is feeling a tad guilty after seemingly agreeing to run away with Owen - coming clean about his current condition by informing him about the earrings' real owner's demise. With this now burnt into his mind, Nucky finally recalls the death of Billy in a brilliantly beautiful flashback, and he is able to regain a large part of his composure before strutting out to call his fellow gangsters to arms against the Gyp Rosetti and Joe Masseria threat.

I was equally impressed by the complete brush off his business partners gave him, essentially damning our hero to dying alone. Surely now would be the time to remember 'Sunday Best', in which Rosetti made an oath to Masseria to kill every single one of the other big league masters. We'll come to that later, and that will bring Torrio, Rothstein and the other guys back into the war. Rosetti just has to fuck up by attacking one of them.

What did you think of Gyp Rosetti's hat? I liked its outlandish and completely-off-his-rocker aesthetic. I'm sure captain's hats or whatever the fuck that was will be an amazing fashion trend that will sweep the universe over the next few years. His plan to get the Tabor Heights people on his side was a bit weird, it seemed to be like an expensive way of achieving something he could have done with fear. Didn't he immolate the last sheriff and beat this one? You'd think the residents of this sleepy coastal town would have cottoned onto the sheer intimidating force that is Gyp Rosetti.

And Margaret and Owen? Who cares? I'd rather see Margaret with Nucky, Owen is an entirely uninteresting character now that we've gotten to know him, and he's annoyingly soft-spoken for a known killer. Similarly, I've come to dislike Richard Harrow's story because it seems largely irrelevant and boring. We go from Nucky having to organise a war while suffering from a concussion to a guy with a burnt facing getting some lip action. Also, nice standards girl. I get that you are noble because you are willing to look past his imperfections and see the beautiful man within, but we all have limits. I like my prospective partners to have at least 90% of their face NOT made of plastic or metal or something artificial. Also, preferably I like most of the face to still be present. It may be asking a lot, but I'm happy to have high standards.

Before I bow out for the night, let's discuss two scenes. First, my 'that-poor-actor' scene of the night goes to the poor child actor playing young Tommy, who walks in on his favourite whore engaging in less-than-vanilla sex with her current customer. It was a rotating shot that went from the two going at it doggy-style to the boy coming in through the door, the man's arse still gyrating in the adjacent mirror. Unless there was an annoying level of CGI, they just put the kid in the middle of a very unfriendly scene. I don't know how I feel about that.

Second, my favourite moment, and that would have to go to another so-far-unmentioned brain fart, as Nucky asks Margaret to stay with him will he conducts his business with Eli and Owen. The poor woman has to sit there while he loudly exclaims wonderful images such as 'I'll wear that fucking dago's guts as a neck tie', giving Margaret a nice cold dip in the waters of Nucky's gangster life. It was probably a deciding moment for the woman, who shortly after tells Owen they are hightailing it out of Atlantic City as soon as possible.

TADAH!!! Funny hat dance! No, not really, but I could never put anything past Gyp Rosetti, and that's why he's such a fun character to see on screen. Gods be good he'll pipe up for the final few episodes before taking a wondrous and memorable bow out. Anyone with me?